The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead
by Artemis Rae
Summary: A series of one shots: some funny, some angsty, mostly pointless, all guaranteed to have three things: Sokka, Toph, and sarcasm.
1. Public Disturbance

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead:**

**Chapter the First: Public Disturbance**

**Author**: Artemis Rae

**Rating**: K. About as light weight as you can get.

**A/N**: Man I loved Secrets of the Fire Nation. Loved, loved, loved. And you know what I loved best? The Sokka/Toph interaction. As the show goes on and they interact more and more, I love them together more and more. So, in the vein of many other authors before me (including my very own awesomest beta ever, JoJoDancer, who has _The Princess and the Pebble_ about Zuko and Toph) I've decided to start a series of stories revolving just around these two.

These will basically be a series of one shots. They're written out of order, though I suspect that the majority of them will take place Post War. Most will be humorously inclined. I haven't decided how shippy I'm going to let things get – my versions of Sokka and Toph seem to be more along the lines of "drinking buddies who can read each other's minds" than "star crossed lovers."

In this chapter: Sokka and Toph dance, raise eyebrows, and shake heads. Implied AxK and ZxM

**Disclaimer**: No, I don't own Avatar. I just borrow it for fun and then return it all beat up and stuff.

* * *

He hadn't wanted to come. In fact, he had taken great measures to try to get out of having to attend this grand event. Said measures included infiltrating the Northern Water Tribe (that bastard Hahn, still a sucker for a pretty pair of eyes, had ratted him out the second Katara had batted her eyelashes at him), hiding back at the Southern Water Tribe (he didn't care if she was his grandmother, he would _never_ forgive Gran Gran) and diving into the seedy underworld that belonged to the Earth Kingdom sailors (who knew that Jun and her giant mutant anteater thing could be hired so cheaply these days?) 

He'd been found every time. Now he was trying to hide in a dark corner without being discovered. Sokka was slumped as low as possible in his chair, chin down and eyes glaring at all the dancers that swished happily by him. Then he heard the chair next to him creak, and he turned his head to find the blind earthbender reclined, sipping lightly on a drink.

"You know Meathead, moping in the corner isn't going to help anything."

He turned his head and gave her a long-suffering look. "Who said I'm moping?"

Toph raised an eyebrow at him – she always amazed him with her ability to express emotion with her sightless eyes – and said, "Please. Are you honestly trying to tell me that you're not jealous that Zuko is getting married before you?"

Sokka looked over at the happy couple, dancing closely in the middle of the floor. "I'll get the last laugh when she knifes him in some kinky honeymoon game tonight."

Toph let out a laugh. "You think they're going to be playing games tonight? No wonder you're not married yet."

"Oh haha," he snapped, turning away from her. She snickered quietly to herself before reaching out and grabbing his shoulder.

"Come on, let's dance."

Sokka pushed her hand away. "I already danced with you once tonight." Sokka had opened dancing with Toph that night, as he always did when he was forced out on the floor during the giant waste of money that was known as a reception.

"Oh right, and now you're too busy catching up on all this nothing to do so again?" she asked sarcastically.

He slid her a look. "Can I lead this time?"

"No."

He sighed and relented anyway, taking her hand. "Alright."

Together they rejoined the crowd, staying on the outskirts of the dance floor.

"You know," Toph said, an edge of annoyance in her tone, "Most guys would at least _pretend_ to be grateful to be dancing with the daughter of the richest merchants in the Earth Kingdom."

"You think I'm not grateful?" Sokka asked, surprised.

"If your lower lip was sticking out any further it would be resting on top of my head. Seriously, _it's not that bad_."

Aang and Katara chose that moment to come sweeping past them, giggling madly at something Aang had said. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and their faces were close as they basked in the warmth of simply being close to each other.

Sokka actually felt his shoulders droop, and Toph let out an irritated sigh. "Look, if you just buck up for tonight, I promise first thing in the morning we'll go down to the market and pick you out a nice Fire Nation girl, okay?"

Sokka pushed her away abruptly. "Alright, I've had enough."

"No wait!" she tightened her grip on him. "Don't leave. I won't say anything else."

He sighed, and they continued dancing. "I just want to find a _nice_ girl," he said finally. "Someone who thinks I'm funny, and won't make fun of my boomerang, and... " he trailed off in thought. "Doesn't get cold easily. Someone who hates dancing too."

Toph just glared at him in response.

"What?"

This time she pushed away and turned her back to him.

"What?" Sokka asked again.

Her foot barely twitched, but the ground underneath him shifted and he stumbled. Toph rounded on him again. "I am _so sick_ of your whining!"

"Toph, people are staring," Sokka said, looking around nervously. She took no notice of these people but returned to him and grabbed his arms again, pulling him back into the dance.

"Did it ever occur to you that _I hate dancing too_?" she hissed.

Sokka just blinked at her. "Then why do we always dance?"

Toph threw up her hands in frustration and ended the dance in a rather spectacular manner by encasing Sokka in rock and nearly throwing him up to the ceiling. He landed, covered in rubble, on the hard stone floor.

"Hey!" he yelled, pulling out his boomerang (the machete had been confiscated at the door, but Sokka had concealed the boomerang,) and cocking an arm. A guard stepped between the two and placed an arm on Sokka's chest. "You would attack a lady?"

"She's no lady!" he screeched.

Toph's eyes widened, and then narrowed. Letting out an indignant roar, she launched herself at Sokka, ducking under the guard's arm and full out tackling him in the middle of the dance floor.

Much of the next few minutes were a blur of flying black hair and the flash of his boomerang and grey stone being rubbed in his face, but Sokka and Toph ended up thrown outside, landing square in the large fountain that was the centerpiece of the courtyard. Toph gagged and spluttered as she came up, and Sokka instinctively reached out to help her. She responded by pushing him back down under the water. When he sat up again, Toph was sitting calmly on the edge of the fountain, her elegant hair mussed beyond repair and dripping everywhere, soaking her clothes further as the rivulets ran down her shoulders.

She sensed his eyes on her. "I was just trying to cheer you up, you know," she said quietly.

He yanked on his wolf tail, wringing the water from it. "Yeah I know."

"I'm pretty sure if we get kicked out of a public gathering one more time, Aang's going to pretend he never knew us."

"Katara regularly denies that we're related."

Toph sighed, then said, "The Cranky Dragon's last call isn't for two more hours."

Sokka stood up, shaking water from his tunic. "I'm there. Let's not get arrested this time. Zuko wasn't happy about having to sign that pardon."

Both still soaking wet, they took off through the palace grounds and headed towards the tavern. Sokka whistled a happy little tune, and as she brushed against him he reached out, placing an arm around her shoulders.

* * *

Back inside, Katara and Aang watched from a window as the duo headed for the main gate. 

"Real or staged?" Katara whispered.

Aang bit his lip for a moment. "Real. I don't even think Toph would pull _that_ at Zuko's wedding unless she was _really_ mad."

"Sokka would," Katara reminded him.

"Toph started it," he countered.

Katara shook her head. "I don't get them."

"I don't think they get themselves." He wrapped an arm around her waist and she leaned into him, resting her head on his shoulder.

Behind them, they heard the bride saying to one of the guests, "Yes, the ceremony _was_ really nice. I only wish we could have hired some _real_ entertainment for the reception and made it a little interesting."

* * *

_The first of hopefully many. Hope you guys liked it! If you did, you should let me know! And if you didn't, well, feel free to tell me anyway._

_If any of you guys are following my other fic, Shadows in the Mind, have no fear, for Chapter Four is on its way! We're in the beta reading process now – there've been a couple kinks (more than a couple) and I just wanted to make sure everything was perfect before I posted. Expect that sometime this week, I believe. _


	2. Community Service

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead:**

**Chapter the Second: Community Service**

**Author**: Artemis Rae

**Rating**: K+. Contains drink and throwaway mentions of sex, without the act itself.

**A/N**: So once upon a time my beta JoJoDancer was writing her Promises series and we were discussing some of the different things she could do for it. I'm not sure how it started, but at some point Jo and I decided that the funniest thing ever would be Aang and Katara making out on Zuko's throne, which turned into the fic _Throne of the Soul_. There is a very small line in the fic about the inebriated Sokka and Toph looking for a ball of twine. And then this fell out of my head.

This fic is much more enjoyable if you have read JoJoDancer's _Throne of the Soul_ first. Go read it and come back. It's under my favorites in my profile.

In this chapter: Just _why_ were Sokka and Toph looking for a ball of twine? Mentions of Aang x Katara and implied Zuko x Mai.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Avatar or pretty much this story at all. Jo was kind enough to let me into her story to play around and mess everything up before cleaning up after me. Best beta ever!

**All dialog from when they enter the throne room until they exit the throne room was originally written by JoJoDancer and can be found in her fic _Throne of the Soul._**

* * *

"I believe _this_ belongs to you." A cold voice broke through his reverie. Sokka looked up to find an unamused Mai, towering over him with one hand firmly clamped on Toph's shoulder. 

"Heeey!" Sokka ignored his hostess, greeting Toph instead. "Where did you go?"

Toph's mouth split into a wide-open grin, showing off her teeth. "I was-"

"General Iroh and I were talking to Admiral Xie when she stomped up and asked his wife when she was due."

"So?" Sokka peered around them, looking for the portly admiral.

"So she's _not pregnant_. And when she informed Toph of that, Toph laughed, apologized, and then told her that it actually looks like _her husband_ is the one expecting."

Sokka laughed. Mai growled and pushed Toph towards him. He reached out and caught her arm, pulling Toph down into the chair next to him.

"Listen, I can't let her go around insulting my guests. Do you realize how long I've been working on this party?" She bent over and poked Sokka hard in the chest. "_You_ watch her, and _you_ don't let her say anything stupid to anyone else."

"Why is she _my_ responsibility?"

Toph hiccupped loudly next to him.

"Because." Mai gritted her teeth and brought her face down close to Sokka's. "They didn't confiscate _my_ weapons at the door."

Sokka sat back and put up his hands in a surrendering gesture. "Got it."

Mai glared at him for a moment, and he pointed back out at the floor. "Go on, don't you have important people to talk to? I'll watch the drunken bandit over here."

"Good." Mai turned away and mixed in with the crowd of people, disappearing almost instantly.

Sokka turned back to Toph and found her eating his cake. "Hey!"

She turned her head at the sound of his voice, the fork halfway to her mouth. The signal to stop failed to reach her brain in time and the fork crashed into her cheek. He reached out and wiped yellow icing from her cheek, then casually popped his thumb in his mouth.

"I. _Love_. Cake," she said gaily, picking up crumbs from the plate and licking her fingers. "We _never_ have cake back home."

"Did you really tell that admiral that he looked like he was pregnant?"

Toph laughed. "He looks like he's overdue. We're going to have to get Katara in here."

Speaking of Katara… Sokka sat up straighter, looking around for his sister. He hadn't seen her or her betrothed in a while. A growing suspicion in his mind, he poked Toph in the shoulder. "Hey, have you seen-"

The sour look on Toph's face interrupted him. "What's the matter? Is all the cake gone?"'

"Mai yelled at me," she said, pouting.

"Aw Toph." He put a comforting arm around her shoulder. "Don't take her seriously. She's all worried about court stuff. She takes this way too seriously."

"She seems like she's got a giant boulder stuck up her-"

"She probably misses Zuko too," Sokka continued, talking over her. "He's been all busy running the nation and everything. She probably doesn't get any quality time with him, if you know what I mean."

Her face was blank. "Quality time?"

"You know, Zuko's probably too tired at night now."

She blinked. "Too tired for what?"

"You know," Sokka said, nudging her. "Mai's probably just feeling… frustrated."

"Frustrated with what?" Toph asked perplexedly.

"_Sex, _Toph. She misses having sex with Zuko because he's too tired at night. And it's making her act mean to everyone!" he burst, glaring at her.

She erupted into raucous laughter, dropping her head to the table. "I knew what you meant. I just wanted to make you say it." Toph leaned back in her chair, wiped her eye and said, "Well it doesn't look like she's going to get any help tonight. Look at all those presents! He'll be unwrapping all night."

"I know!" Sokka gestured over at the table that was piled high with gifts. "No one told us we had to bring him a gift!"

Toph thought for a moment. "We could still find him a gift," she said suggestively.

"Could not."

"Could so!"

"Like _what_?"

"We can put Mai in his quarters!" she exclaimed as if she had just solved the world's greatest problems.

"Could not."

"Could so! That way when he goes to bed tonight she'll be waiting there! And then she probably won't yell at us again. It solves…" her voice trailed off as she counted, "_three_ of our problems."

"_You_. She yelled at _you_." Sokka crossed his arms. "And there is _no way_ Mai would agree to it."

They sat stupidly, in silence, as they both pondered the thought.

"We could…. Tie her up." Toph said thoughtfully.

Sokka looked at her, considering what she said. "_Tie_ her _up_?"

"Yeah!" Toph said, more enthusiastically. "That way she can't fight us. We could leave her right in Zuko's bed!"

Sokka blinked. "How come you didn't leave a girl in my bed for _my_ birthday? Do you like Zuko better than me or something?"

She pushed him. "Like you need my help. We'll be performing a _public service_ here!" She stuck her thumb in her mouth and bit on the nail. "What can we tie her up with?"

"We need… rope. Or string. Twine."

"Twine!" Toph's face lit up as she laughed. "Twiiiiiiiine. I just like saying that. Let's get some twine!" She stood up, making a valiant effort to gather the train of her dress. "Where does the Fire Nation keep its twine?"

"Kitchen. They use it for meat."

"They tie their meat up along with their women?" Toph shrugged. "To the kitchen then!" She grabbed Sokka's arm and pulled him up.

He stood easily, then swayed, far drunker than he had originally realized. "To the kitchen!" He echoed, letting her lead the way.

* * *

He regretted this decision as she led him down several twisting hallways with no apparent destination in mind. 

"Hey," Sokka said, tugging on her shoulder. "Do you even know where the kitchen is?"

"Yes," Toph said, nodding confidently. "We're going to get a ball of twine."

"I know _why_ we're going to the kitchen. I don't know if you know _where_ we're going!"

Toph stopped and tilted her head. "Twiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine," she murmured softly to herself, looking up and twirling her hair.

She had stopped in front of the large double doors that led into the throne room. Waiting for her to make her decision, Sokka admired the detail that went into the Fire Nation seal and rich colors on the door.

It was therefore a surprise to him when Toph exclaimed, "Here we are!" while spinning around and blowing open the doors, banging them against the walls. "Come on!" she beckoned him to follow her in.

He did, eyes automatically going up to the wide, peaked ceilings and the strong marble columns that lined the hall.

Two sounds reached his ears: a surprised exclamation and the sound of skin hitting marble. He accidentally stepped on the train of Toph's dress and caught himself on her shoulder, stilling her and saving himself from hitting the ground.

Then he looked up, towards Zuko's throne. Panicked grey eyes met his. The Avatar, missing his shirt, stood awkwardly over his sister, who was laying on the ground, fighting through her thick skirts and who appeared – his eyes didn't stay on her long enough to confirm this – to be missing the top of her dress.

White light flashed behind Sokka's eyes.

Right before Toph had joined them to teach Aang earthbending, they had stopped in a small town that had convicted Aang of murdering their leader in a past life. As part of his conviction, he had been forced to spin the Wheel of Punishment and was almost boiled in oil before performing community service in the form of ridding the town of the Rough Riders.

The Wheel of Punishment spun quickly in Sokka's mind. And community service had been removed as an option.

Tarred and feathered?

Drawn and quartered?

_Castration_.

The punishment _certainly_ fit the crime.

By now Katara was fumbling with the laces of her bodice. Sokka opened his mouth and –

"Are you naked!" Toph beat him to it. Sokka frowned at her. Her voice did not seem to carry the scolding tone he felt this occasion required.

"No!" The guilty couple was trying to get redressed as fast as possible; Aang's response was muffled due to the fact that he was trying to force his head through an armhole.

"You're both topless!" Toph exclaimed this through a wide grin that troubled Sokka almost as much as the situation itself.

"We know!" Katara's response was annoyed. Sokka decided that she was expressing far less remorse than he expected.

"_Why_," he asked, daring to approach the couple on the dais, "are you topless? In Zuko's throne? You…" He tried to find the appropriate reasoning behind his outrage. "You're not even married yet!"

Behind him Toph started to laugh, and he felt a new surge of rage. His back-up was _laughing_. "Why are you laughing?" he glared at her. "This isn't funny!"

"This is _hilarious_!" she responded, sitting down and dropping her head into her hands, shoulders heaving.

He turned to face Katara and Aang without Toph's support.

"Calm down, Sokka." Now fully back in her dress, Katara stood protectively in front of Aang. "It's not like we've never caught _you_ doing inappropriate things in inappropriate places."

Patronizing him and _then_ reminding him of that embarrassing incident from the winter solstice celebration? He retorted with the first defense that popped into his head. "So? I'm _older_ than you."

"By three and a half whole seasons! Back _off_, big brother!" Sokka gritted his teeth. If she was going to bring logic into this, then by golly, he was bringing in his last option.

He turned around and grabbed Toph, hauling her up from the floor. "We," he declared, "are telling Zuko."

He ignored Katara's shouting from the dais and started dragging Toph to the door. The next thing he felt was a sharp kick to the back of his left knee, then pain shooting up his legs as he fell forward and landed on his knees. Sokka's grip on Toph tightened automatically and she came down with him, her head hitting his back as her arm twisted and forcing them both down to the ground.

His mind was foggy for a moment before catching a flash of red above him. Instinctively he reached up and just managed to snag Aang's ankle before he could reach the door. The Avatar let out a loud "oof" as he landed on the floor face first. Toph must have guessed what had happened from the vibrations, because she burst out laughing again, her head not moving from Sokka's shoulder.

From the other side of the room came a yelp of surprise and a thump that coincided with the sudden interruption of Katara's lecture. Toph's laughter grew shriller as she started gasping for breath.

The sound of the door scraping echoed through the room and Sokka's heart stopped.

In truth, the Fire Lord was actually shorter than Sokka, but from the floor he appeared to reach the ceiling itself. The entire room came to a standstill as Zuko coolly took in the scene before him.

Aang broke the silence with a small moan of pain, breaking Sokka's grip on his foot as he rolled over onto his back. Katara was at his side in an instant, throwing herself down next to him, managing to simultaneously wipe the blood from his nose and knock Sokka in the head.

"What the hell are you all doing in here?" The question didn't even register with Sokka as he glowered at Aang and his sister, who was carefully probing Aang's broken nose. Toph climbed to her feet and tripped over his elbow. Zuko easily stepped forward and caught her before she could fall again.

"You'll never guess what happened!" she cried, still leaning over Sokka as she threw back her head to look up at the Fire Lord. "Sokka and I were looking for a ball of twine, and we thought 'what better place to find a ball of twine than in the kitchen!'"

"You're in the throne room." Sokka ignored their conversation as he and Katara helped the still dazed Aang to his feet.

"I know that, moron," Toph snapped, "Anyways, we were looking for the kitchen and we thought we heard –"

"Would one of you take this from me!" With Zuko's exclamation came a stumbling Toph back into Sokka's arms. He couldn't help the curse that slipped out when she trod on his foot.

"Serves you right," Katara hissed next to him, and despite the trouble they were in – Zuko was remaining far too calm for them to get off scot free – he had to quash the urge to snap back at her.

Zuko cleared his throat, signaling that it was now time to listen to him.

"You have twenty seconds to get to your rooms," he said solemnly.

"Your room. Not his," Sokka couldn't help adding, glaring at Katara and Aang. He knew he should have felt bad for injuring Aang, but mostly he just felt satisfied. It wasn't castration, but he could settle for a broken nose for the crime of corrupting his baby sister.

"Twenty… Nineteen…" Zuko counted loudly over them, indicating his seriousness.

Katara frowned at Sokka with narrowed eyes – there would be a rather spectacular blowup between the two of them in the morning – and pulled Aang through the door, half carrying him down the hallway. Sokka's eye twitched. The Avatar would milk the broken nose thing for all it was worth. His gaze shifted to the impassive Zuko. "Can I have thirty seconds? Toph can't walk straight."

The Fire Lord's only reply was, "Seventeen… sixteen…"

Toph took exception to Sokka's statement. With an "I can so!" she pulled away from him and lunged towards the door. Sokka followed her and as he slipped out the door he heard Zuko call, "Don't let her break anything!"

The door slammed shut before Zuko saw Sokka's rude hand gesture. However, the four large guards standing outside the door sure didn't miss it. Sokka froze as if he had hit a wall at the combined stare of four large, irritated Master Firebenders.

"Evening, gentlemen," he said, giving them a small wave.

Toph seemed to notice his predicament – that or she realized he wasn't following her – because she had no problem pushing two of the guards out of her way to clamp onto Sokka's arm.

"Um, excuse her," he called back to them as she pulled him away and down the hall. He let her lead – again, though Sokka thought he really should know better by now – before pointing out, "Hey, the kitchen is the other way."

"We are not going to the kitchen," Toph said shortly. "We are going to bed. We are _not_ helping Zuko get laid tonight."

"Yeah!" Sokka agreed a little too vehemently. "That is the _last_ time we try to tie up the Fire Lord's wife and leave her in his bed."

"To think!" Toph raged on, ignoring Sokka. "We were going to do him a _favor_!"

"What were we _thinking_?" There was a measure of sarcasm in his words, but for the life of him Sokka couldn't figure out if it was intentional or not.

"Zuko deserves-" Toph cut herself off and stood a little straighter. "I have an idea."

"An idea? A fun idea or a trouble idea?"

Toph considered his question. "Both."

"Which comes first? The fun or the trouble?" he felt anticipation rising in his chest.

Toph appeared scandalized. "_Always_ the fun first!"

"Let's do it." He nodded, a grin spreading across his face. "What are we doing?"

"We're going to need that twine." Toph said, almost warningly.

Sokka pointed. "Kitchen's this way."

* * *

What amuses me most is that I set out to write a fic to explain why Sokka and Toph wanted that damn ball of twine… and failed to do so.

I want to thank you guys for the reviews - they were all awesome and just made me so happy. It warms my cold dead little heart to know that the Sokka/Toph ship is catching on and that you guys apparently like the way I write them.

Expect Chapter 5 of Shadows in the Mind by this weekend at the latest. We are in the revising phase now, and then Jo will give it a once over and then up it'll go.


	3. Double Entendre

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**

**Chapter the Third: Double Entendre **

**Author**: Artemis Rae

**Rating**: T. Adult Themes.

**A/N**: Chapter Three, which I got the idea for a while ago, was inspired (…in the shower again. Weirdness) sat down and wrote.

I just realized that all three chapters so far have taken place in the Fire Nation. I'm not sure why this is, other than JoJoDancer and I get insane joy from making Zuko uncomfortable.

**Disclaimer**: Still don't own Avatar. Am very disappointed. Must write fanfiction instead.

* * *

"Pardon me, Lord Zuko." Zuko looked up from his desk to see one of his wife's servants standing at the door. "The Fire Lady asked me to tell you that lunch is ready and is being served in the private dining hall." 

Zuko smiled at her. "Thank you." Then, looking with a frown back down at the document that had crossed his desk, added, "You haven't seen Toph Bei Fong recently, have you? Or Sokka?"

"Actually, my lord, I was on my way to deliver the lunch message to them next."

Zuko rose, rolling the parchment and putting it in his pocket. "Then you can go back to the kitchens and help serve. I'll track them down and pass on the message, and we'll arrive together."

The servant bowed and left the room, and Zuko took off in the opposite direction, heading towards Toph's bedroom where she and Sokka were sure to be slipping in a nap. Judging by their hung-over whining at breakfast and the contents of the document in his pocket, they'd certainly had an eventful evening the night before.

He strode purposefully up to their door, placed one hand on the doorknob and raised a hand to knock-

"Come _on_ Sokka! Harder!"

Sokka merely grunted in response.

Zuko froze.

The first thing that went through his head was, "I almost let that servant girl come here."

The second thing that went through his head was, "Spirits, I once let the king of Ba Sing Se sleep in that room."

It was an interesting predicament he found himself in. On one hand, two of his close friends were obviously very busy and probably wanted privacy. They would be very angry if he interrupted them. On the other hand, he had orders from his wife to retrieve them for lunch. She would be furious if he showed up without them.

Unable to decide on a course of action, Zuko chose inaction. He stood in front of the door, hand still on the knob, other hand still balled and prepared to knock, his mouth hanging slightly open.

"To the left…right there!"

"Like that?"

"Yeah…"

There were several loud bangs and scraping noises. Zuko's eyes widened.

Toph yelped. "Ow!"

"Sorry!"

"Stop it! Move – I'm done. Forget this."

"Toph!" Sokka whined, sounding strained. "Don't leave! What am I supposed to do with this thing? It's huge!"

"Take care of it yourself," Toph snapped.

Sokka groaned.

_Sweet Agni_, Zuko thought. His friends were just having sex – they were having _bad_ sex. And he had _heard _them!

His brain suddenly made the connection that if Toph had gotten up she would probably be angrily exiting the room, but before he could jump back there was a loud cracking noise and suddenly the door was falling in. Zuko, his hand still attached to the doorknob, fell with it.

"Zuko!" Sokka was startled.

"What were you _doing_?" Toph, of course, did not sound surprised to see him.

Zuko did the most logical thing. He clapped his hands over his eyes and swore loudly. "I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry for the love of Agni please put your clothes on I didn't mean to-"

"Open your eyes." Toph commanded.

Zuko peeked through two fingers. Toph and Sokka stood over him, rumpled, sweaty –

And completely clothed.

"Ungh," Zuko said. It was as articulate as he could be as his brain rushed to comprehend what his eyes were seeing.

Toph stood, hands fisted at her waist. Sokka was clutching a large beam of wood. Behind him lay the dismantled bed that was supposed to be the centerpiece of the room. The headboard and one of the beams lay on the floor, tilted at an awkward angle. The footboard lay flat on the ground, and the mattress has been thrown to the other side of the room. The canopy and the metal rods that held it up where twisted, still attached to the headboard but disconnected from the footboard.

"What happened?" he blurted out. "I thought – I came – I heard…" he stumbled over his words, unable to explain what he thought he had heard.

Sokka blinked at him. "I was helping Toph fix her bed. It kinda fell apart. We couldn't get the beam connected to the footboard."

Zuko tried to process this. "But – but – it sounded like-"

"_You_ thought we were having _sex_!" Toph burst in accusingly. Sokka's jaw dropped.

At this point, Zuko gave up on any hope of recovering his pride. He stood up, straightened his robes, and gave the two of them his most dignified look. "I came to inform you that lunch is ready in the private dining hall. The Fire Lady is expecting you as soon as you two are decent."

Sokka gave him a vicious grin. Toph _giggled_. Zuko felt his face flush and fled the room.

* * *

Sokka watched curiously as the Fire Lord fled the room so fast that he kicked up dust clouds. 

Toph crossed her arms and turned back to him.

Sokka dropped the heavy wooden beam on his foot.

They contemplated each other, then the now empty hallway.

"Well," said Sokka, trying to keep weight off his foot. "I guess we shouldn't tell him how we broke the bed in the first place."

* * *

…I really have no excuse, other than, seriously, making Zuko squirm just seems to make me happy. There is a very vague reference to Chapter One (Public Disturbance) in here, if you see it. 

Expect another update late tonight – a one shot, taking place in Ba Sing Se.


	4. Float On

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**

**Chapter the Fourth: Float On **

**Author**: Artemis Rae

**Rating**: K+

**A/N**: God, I wrote this way back – originally intending for it to be Chapter 2, actually – and I just wrestled with it over and over. I warned you some of these were going to get angsty though. This is one of those chapters. This was very loosely inspired by trying to coax my dog out from under the kitchen table when there's a thunderstorm out... (I cannot wait to go home again...)

In this chapter: Almost everybody celebrates the end of the war. _Almost_.

**Disclaimer**: Still don't own Avatar. Am very disappointed. Must write fanfiction instead.

Many thanks, as usual, go to JoJoDancer, who not only betas, she puts up with my whining too!

* * *

The night was growing darker, and in response bright lamps were lit, bringing colorful splashes of light throughout the courtyard. Sokka looked up at them, grinning stupidly. 

They were currently in Omashu, marking the three-year anniversary of the end of the war. Sokka and Toph hated to acknowledge it, but every year there was a huge celebration, and as key players in the event and generally loved public figures, Sokka and Toph were obligated to make an appearance as people remembered. They all were – Aang and Katara had spent the week traveling between cities and nations, using the anniversary as an opportunity to reinforce the message of peace (Katara had confessed she used the occasion to keep Aang busy so he couldn't focus too hard on any painful memories), and Zuko was holding longer court hours and was preparing to deliver speeches to both his and the Earth Kingdom people.

Sokka tipped his glass back, toasting Zuko and remembering the celebration Zuko had thrown at the Fire Nation capital the year before. Wondering why Zuko hadn't hosted again, he then caught sight of Toph stomping around, looking as anti-social as humanly possible as she moved in her cumbersome dress, clutching a goblet in one tiny hand. She threw herself down next to Sokka, emptied her goblet with one gulp, and slammed the cup down on the table next to his.

Memories of the day after last year's celebration filtered through – a mud covered and mussed up Toph, several destroyed priceless statues, and a couple furious Fire Nation advisors – and Sokka remembered why the Fire Nation had declined to host this year.

"I hate this," Toph mumbled, taking his cup right from his hands and sipping from it. Sokka frowned at her, then sighed and signaled a waiter to bring over more drinks.

"What do you hate?' asked Sokka, knowing that with Toph, the possibilities were endless.

"I hate that we're celebrating this. We _fought_ for this. This should be a day of mourning for the people that died." She pounded on the table, stressing her point.

"You're looking at it the wrong way." The waiter came up to Sokka to serve more wine; Sokka just grabbed the bottle from the tray and ignored the clean glass he was offered. He took a long drag and handed the bottle over to Toph. "This was a new beginning for us – for the world. We _should_ be celebrating that. Besides, I don't remember you being so against this last year-" He remembered suddenly Toph's itinerary for the day and blurted out, "They didn't make you go to that battlefield did they?"

Toph threw back her head and drained the bottle, throwing it over her shoulder behind her. Ignoring the surprised yelp that followed, Sokka signaled the waiter again as Toph reached out, looking for another drink. "Yeah, I went to the commemoration ceremony. Two hours, standing on a graveyard."

Sokka tsked in sympathy and took two bottles from the waiter, handing one to her in silent support.

"It was awful." Toph continued. "Every time I just shifted I could see the bones of people still buried there." She looked at Sokka miserably. "These people had families! Why would they want to celebrate people dying?"

"We're not celebrating people _dying_," Sokka explained patiently, knowing she wouldn't remember a word of their conversation later. "We're celebrating that we get to _live_."

Toph humphed and crossed her arms, pouting. At that moment, the lamps in the courtyard dimmed, and everyone automatically turned their heads up to the sky, waiting for the fireworks.

The first one – a bright green one – went off with a large boom, echoing across the courtyard. Several people cheered, but next to him Toph let out a yelp and slid under the table.

The fireworks continued above, but Sokka's attention had been stolen. Bending over, he peered under the table at the girl who was curled up into a ball.

"Toph?" he asked, tentatively.

Her head turned at the sound of his voice, and he nearly gasped out loud at the terrified look on it. "I'm too drunk to fight!" she hissed.

"We're not fighting!" he hissed back. "It's just some fireworks!"

"I know that noise," Toph insisted stubbornly. "That is the sound that those Fire Nation landmines make."

Sokka looked around, but everyone's attention was on the sky and not him, so he slithered under the table to join her. Banging his head on the top of the table, he remembered that he was, in fact, much larger than Toph, and folded up his body so that he could actually fit next to the trembling girl. His head somewhere in the vicinity of his knees, he leaned into her and said, "No, really Toph. Just fireworks. No fighting. No danger."

Toph turned to him, eyes wide and fearful. "I don't like them. They sound so much like battle…"

"One big difference," Sokka said, holding up a finger that she couldn't see. "Fireworks are pretty. Battle, not so much."

She contemplated this silently, then turned to him and asked curiously, "So what makes them so pretty?"

"What?"

"They sure _sound_ ugly. What makes them pretty?"

"You're asking me to describe fireworks to you?" At her nod, he thought for a moment before going, "They're like bright colors-"

"I don't know colors," Toph interrupted.

"They're like…" Sokka stroked his chin for a moment and then said excitedly, "Have you ever been punched in the head before?"

She nodded, and he continued. "Yeah! It's like when you get punched in the head, and you see that flash of light before you hit the floor, except its up in the sky and you don't wake up in a jail cell with a monster headache. And in different colors."

"I don't know about the headache," Toph said, covered her ears, and then looked at him suspiciously. "Is that what they're really like or are you just drunk?"

"Spirits honor!" Sokka held up placating hands. "Although I am drunk."

An explosion above them rocked the table – one of the fireworks had dropped dangerously low overhead before exploding. Toph shuddered, and Sokka said, "Hey, it's dark now. They won't notice if we leave."

She bit her lip before asking, "Can we go back to your room?"

Sokka's chest ached for a moment – she never allowed anyone to see this kind of vulnerability. The fireworks really had frightened her. Not sure if she had seen his nod, he said, "Of course," quietly and took her (very small) sweating hand into his (awkwardly large) dry one and started to lead her out from under the table.

* * *

Toph eventually dozed off on his bed, head buried under several large pillows, and Sokka sat, curled up in a chair next to a still-burning lamp and watched her. He mentally flipped back through the years and tried to remember if Toph had ever sat through fireworks with him before – last year's celebration at the Fire Nation had been interrupted (he remembered with a blush the crashing of the statues, and felt mortification well up inside him all over again), but surely there had been other times, even during the war, right? 

Except there hadn't.

Funny, how they all dealt with their experiences that day three years ago. Aang became more passionate, throwing himself into his peacemaking. Katara focused all her energies on Aang, as if to reassure herself that yes, he really had lived through the battle and was still with her. Zuko withdrew from everyone privately, but joined Aang publicly, desperate to prove that he was not his father's son.

He and Toph, on the other hand, preferred denial. They preformed any public duties they were obligated to – like showing up to commemorate a battle field – then drank themselves silly, making inappropriate comments and generally scandalizing the poor souls who were in their presence. They dealt with it by not dealing with it.

This meant that, in previous years, by the time fireworks were typically shot off, he and Toph were either passed out or too incapacitated to notice.

He sighed, fighting the urge to crawl up next to her in the bed, and laid his head back in his chair and closed his eyes. Maybe next year, for her sake, they could forget the celebrations and he could talk her into finally visiting the South Pole.

* * *

She awoke with a start, breathing muffled by the several large pillows over her head. Toph yanked them off and sat up, scratching her head, curling her toes as her feet hit the pavement. She was pleased – despite how much she had drank the night before, she didn't feel too bad. Sokka had told her once, long ago, that the worst part of the hangover was having to open his eyes and acknowledge the light, which made his head hurt. She had laughed at him. She still laughed at him. 

The object of her thoughts was curled up next to the table on the floor. The plates filled with breakfast foods were all untouched, though she noticed that he had worked his way through over half of the porcelain jug of coffee. One hand clutched the cup for dear life. The other hand was holding some documents – letters, maybe – which he was poring over, focused intently on the words.

"Morning."

He only grunted in response, and Toph felt a tiny shot of worry go through her. He pulled this every year, and yet she was always surprised by it.

Despite the fact that every year Sokka gave into the end-of-war celebrations with gusto, when the celebrations ended it seemed Sokka's good spirits ended also. With the hangover came this melancholy cloud that followed him around for weeks, until something – usually a large rock on Toph's part – snapped him out of it.

She hated this part of him more than anything. Everyone knew he was cynical and sarcastic, and while it wasn't a cover for his true emotions it was just one single part of him. The problem was that it was the loudest part of him – but Toph had met the part of him that was a romantic, and another part that was an optimist, and another (very secret, buried) part of him that hated the orange light at sunrise, because it reminded him of when the Fire Nation had attacked his village.

But this part of Sokka – the part that took over after the anniversary of the last battle – this part of Sokka was nothing. He felt nothing, he said nothing, he thought nothing. He was even more infuriating than the loud sarcastic part of him, and Toph knew she would be spending the next few weeks fighting the urge to choke him and demand that he show _some_ sort of emotion, _please_, because she was feeling all his emotions for him and she was going to explode.

"I was thinking," she said, laying down on the floor next to him and picking at the pastries on the table.

He grunted again.

"Maybe we should skip the rest of the parties."

Another grunt, though this one had a slight more interested tone to it.

"For the next ten years."

He looked up at her, eyebrows raised.

"You know, I was just thinking," she said lightly, wrapping a thick piece of hair from her bangs around a finger and twirling. "Neither one of us enjoyed last night. We're not going to enjoy tonight. We won't enjoy next year. Maybe we should just skip."

She left the end of her thought unspoken – _for your sake, so you don't withdraw into this nothing person again_ – and sat quietly while he considered her thought.

"I had a similar thought last night. I was thinking…"

His voice trailed off in thought, and at that moment there was a large crash from the hallway. It wasn't the same as last night – less intense and Toph could feel these vibrations through the floor – but she tensed nonetheless and scooted closer to him.

Sokka responded by wrapping an arm around her shoulders, bringing her even closer to him, and she leaned her head against his chest and closed her eyes.

"I was thinking," he said flatly, "that I hated seeing you like this."

She listened to the powerful thud of his heart beating in his chest, and she knew, very suddenly and clearly that she worried him in the same way. Not sure if she was talking about him or herself, she said, "I was thinking the same thing."

* * *

A/N: Oh god, the ending that wouldn't die! I fought so hard with the ending to this, honest to god, but if I didn't get this thing up it was never going to go up. I hope you guys like it anyway! 

I promise, the next chapter will be a return to our regularly scheduled Sokka and Toph shenanigans.


	5. Unsuitable Behavior

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**

**Chapter the Fifth**: **Unsuitable Behavior**

**A/N:** I warned that the next chapter would be a return to our regular Tokka shenanigans and uh… yeah. This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever written, but uh… I laughed, and that's good enough for me. I can't seem to stay out of the Fire Nation with these things, but really, wouldn't that be the best post war existence ever? Living in the Fire Nation, bugging the hell out of Zuko?

**To sum up**: Toph and Sokka decide Zuko needs a break and get far more than they bargained for. (Or: Who knew the Fire Lord was such a surly drunk?)

**Disclaimer**: Nope, still don't own it. I do have the bestest beta ever in JoJoDancer, who continues to prod and push me in the right direction.

* * *

"This is ridiculous," Zuko grumbled, drawing his cloak tighter around his shoulders. 

"Shut it," Sokka snapped, reaching up and drawing Zuko's hood over his face.

"Seriously, Zuko," Toph picked up, flanking his other side. "We aren't taking you out so you can whine at us some more. This is for your own good."

"I do not _whine_!" Zuko snapped. "And where are you taking me anyway?"

Sokka's gaze slid over him to the younger girl. "Where _are_ you taking us, Toph? I thought we'd go to the Cranky Dragon."

Toph waved her hand impatiently. "I thought we'd give Mitai a break after last night-"

"What did you do last night?" Zuko interrupted.

Sokka leaned in close. "You didn't get any sort of report, or notice about us this morning?"

Zuko shook his head.

"Then the charges have been dropped and you probably don't want to know." Sokka shrugged.

Zuko's eyes narrowed, and just as he was about to demand more answers, Toph abruptly stopped and announced that they had arrived. Sokka and Zuko gaped.

The tiny building they had stopped in front of was dirty looking and rather dilapidated. A cracked wooden sign that had once born words (now long worn away) rocked half-heartedly above them, and from inside the building there was raucous noise: music and laughter.

"Toph, how did you find this place?" asked Sokka, glancing at the dingy windows and the muddy ground that surrounded them.

"Huh? Oh it's just this place I heard about," Toph said absently, leading them into the doorway.

"Toph," Sokka said heatedly, "What kind of person wants to spend any time here?"

"Hey everybody!" a voice called out. "Toph's back!" The bar exploded with various greetings.

"Toph!"

"Hey! It's Toph!"

"Hey, we've been waiting for you!"

Sokka and Zuko shot her identical looks of disbelief. Toph, to her credit, blushed faintly and rubbed the back of her head.

"First round's on me?" she asked weakly.

* * *

"You both," Zuko had declared much later, after a number of drinks, "are both on to something here." 

"Are we?" Toph had asked.

The three of them were huddled up in the corner – Toph was trying to avoid her "fans," Zuko was trying not to broadcast the fact that he was Fire Lord, and Sokka was watching suspiciously for anyone trying to approach Toph.

"Yes!" Zuko insisted, slamming his hand onto the table. "You are! You two don't worry about _anything_! I have to worry about _everything_ that happens here!"

"Well," Sokka scratched his head. "It's not like there aren't perks."

"Oh yeah," Zuko nodded heavily. "Definite perks. Tons of perks. I never forget my wife's birthday, because I have someone to remember that for me. Perks, Sokka."

A ruckus rose from the bar. Sokka and Toph continued their conversation, but Zuko's attention was instantly captured.

"What are they doing?" he asked, leaning forward.

Toph shrugged. "Sounds like they're singing." She made as if to continue with their conversation, but was interrupted by Zuko rising from his seat, drink in hand, and lunging towards the bar and the singing patrons.

"What is he doing?" she asked Sokka, eyebrows creased.

"He's… singing. Trying to," Sokka informed her, watching the scene unfold with a combination of horror and amusement.

The Fire Lord, normally withdrawn and dignified, approached the group of singing men with his mug held out, almost as an offering. In response, the leader of the singing clapped Zuko hard on the back – knocking him off balance – before throwing an arm around his shoulder, pulling him into the little group.

"_To go and fight the foe, and I got no more of the sisters four…"_ The garbled words floated back to the table. Toph let out a laugh, but Sokka stiffened.

"He better be careful," he muttered to Toph. "His hood is going to fall back."

_"Three for the man who will stand his round, and four for the love of you, me girl!" _The singing group was swaying back and forth now. Zuko was making up for not knowing all the words by singing what words he _did_ know loudly. _"Four for the love of you…"_ The song successfully completed, Zuko threw his head back and tipped his glass with it, intending to finish the drink.

Sokka yelped and leaped from his chair, hitting the table and knocking Toph's drink over. "Hey!" She jumped up, hitting the table and causing it to fall back with a crash. Sokka was already half way across the room, but it was too late.

Zuko's hood slipped back, exposing him as the Fire Lord.

The entire room went silent. People stopped drinking, music stopped playing fights were instantly interrupted. All activity ceased.

Zuko looked around, confused. "What'sh matter?"

Toph bolted, joining Sokka and taking the arm that Sokka wasn't clutching.

"Well, _I_ think Lord Zuko needs some fresh air, don't you Zuko?"

She and Sokka dragged the protesting Zuko from the bar ("Hey? HEY!"), leaving a utter silence behind them.

"The Cranky Dragon?" Sokka asked, talking over the complaining Fire Lord.

"Spirits yes." Toph rolled her eyes, panting in the humid summer air. "Forget Mitai. I'm not nearly drunk enough to deal with this yet."

"Will you _let me go please?_" Zuko demanded hotly, leaning hard into Toph.

* * *

"Shut up and deal!" Sokka announced loudly, glaring at the younger gentleman currently holding the deck of cards. 

"Who's your friend?" he asked, ignoring Sokka's request and gesturing at Zuko, who was sulking in the corner after a stern lecture with his hood back up over his eyes. "I've never seen him before."

"Deal. The cards." Zuko said warningly from under hid hood.

Next to Sokka, Toph narrowed her eyes and tilted her head. "Will you just deal!"

He gave Zuko another suspicious look and reluctantly began to deal. The other member at their table – an older, retired soldier, gave Toph a hard clap on the back. "Wasn't sure we'd see you back in here again after last night!"

"I can't believe you're still _allowed_ in here," the dealer said, shooting her and Sokka dark looks.

"Please." Toph shrugged and then leaned forward as if to look at Sokka's cards. She couldn't see them – and Sokka knew that – but it always seemed to make the other players nervous, so she continued the practice. "His business has tripled since Sokka and I started drinking here. That's worth paying to replace some tables and chairs once in a while."

"And that, my dear," the man said, signaling the waitress, "is worth another round of drinks."

Just as the waitress came by with a large tray of mugs, there was a sudden exclamation from Zuko's corner.

"There is no way!" he exclaimed, throwing his cards down. "You have to be cheating!"

"I never!" the dealer yelled right back, arms reaching out to take the pot.

"What were you doing?" Zuko continued, leaning closer and poking the dealer hard in the shoulder. "Stacking the deck? You slipping cards from up your sleeve?"

He made as if to grab at the dealer's tunic, but he jumped from his seat and easily fell into a fighting stance.

"Uh, Sokka?" Toph pulled at Sokka's arm. "You might want to do something."

Sokka stood up and crossed his arms. "Are you calling my friend a _liar_?"

"Sokka!"

"My friend," Sokka said calmly, "does not lie. _Were_ you cheating?"

"This is not the something I wanted you to do!" Toph snapped, standing up and making to move between the two men who were right up in each other's face. "Listen, you can't win every single game Zu-"

Her words were cut off when the dealer pushed into Zuko, who stumbled back into the waitress, who promptly dumped her entire try of drinks on Toph.

For the second time that night, Zuko had managed to shock an entire bar into silence.

"Ohhh," Sokka said lamely.

The dealer pulled a handkerchief from his sleeve to hand to Toph, and with it fell out three cards.

"I _knew_ it!" Zuko hollered, and tackled the guilty man. Sokka didn't hesitate before jumping in after Zuko.

"Hey!" Toph yelled, trying to get their attention. "_I'm soaking wet over here_!"

Her cry went unheeded, and minutes later the doors to the bar burst open as the city watchmen spilled in, intent on breaking up the fight and arresting the miscreants.

Toph, thanks to her better-than-normal hearing, heard the creaking wheels of the paddy wagon pull up, and without hesitation slipped out the back door through the kitchens.

The second one of the watchmen grabbed Sokka by the shoulders. He slumped, having been through the process of being arrested a number of times and understanding, at this point, that it was in the interest of one's bodily health to simply be passive and let the watchmen do their duty.

Zuko, on the other hand, started fighting like a wet catowl.

"Take your hands off of me!" he insisted, trying to wrench his arms from the watchman's grip and wondering vaguely why they were so strong. "I'm the Fire Lord! You can't arrest me! Sokka, tell them!"

The watchmen laughed as they tossed him in the wagon, where he landed with a hard "oomph!" on top of Sokka.

"Buddy, with Sokka here it's a new Fire Lord every week."

* * *

"Hey Kazuo, I owe you five silver pieces." 

A soft laugh stirred Sokka from a light doze. "I told you he would be back before midnight tonight. Put them both in his usual cell."

The ties around Sokka's wrists were undone, and he reached up and rubbed his eyes. The jailer gave him a small wave from behind the bars.

"Hey Kazuo," Sokka greeted blearily.

"Good evening Sokka."

He looked around, though there wasn't much to see. He was, indeed, back in his usual cell – once, he had remarked drunkenly that he preferred this cell because it didn't smell as bad as the other one, which had the outhouse right outside the window, and from then on Kazuo had made it a point to keep it open for him when he was brought in. On his left, Zuko could be heard snoring loudly, head tilted against his shoulder at a terribly awkward angle.

"Where's Toph?" he asked. "You didn't put her in a different cell, did you?"

Kazuo pulled a chair up in front of his cell. "The Lady Bei Fong was not arrested with you tonight."

Sokka's jaw dropped. "She _left_ us?!"

"It appears so." Kazuo nodded, then, in an attempt to distract Sokka from his rage, pointed at the sleeping Fire Lord. "Who's your friend this week?"

"Oh," Sokka said in a bored tone, looking out the window. "Fire Lord Zuko."

Kazuo laughed. "Another imposter?"

Sokka shook his head. "Nope. Real one this time." He lifted Zuko's head from his shoulder and slipped the hood back, showing the jailer the scar on Zuko's eye.

Kazuo shrieked and jumped back, nearly tipping out of his chair. Then, righting himself, he fumbled for his keys. "I can't have the Fire Lord sitting in my jail! I could be executed!"

"Calm down." Sokka dismissed his concerns with the wave of a hand, and allowed still-sleeping Zuko's head to fall back against the wall. "He needs to sleep it off anyway. Toph will probably come pick us up later."

Toph did arrive to pick them up – many, many hours later than Sokka had expected. She showed up at the jail in a dark green cloak and fresh clothes, one hand on hip and another hand holding a small bag of gold coins for Kazuo.

"Where have you _been_?" Sokka exclaimed, jumping up and stalking up to the bars to meet her. "We've been here for _hours_."

"Oh I'm sorry!" Toph snapped, dropping his bail on the table and sidling up to face him. "I went back and took a nice long hot bath, because, you see," she suddenly reached through and grabbed him by the front of his shirt, pulling him hard and smashing his face against the bars, "I was covered in beer."

"Are we... blaming _me_ for that?" Sokka asked, eyebrows creased. "Because I'm pretty sure that was Zuko's fault."

Toph let him go and turned back to Kazuo. "There's a little bit extra in the bag for staying up with them tonight Kazuo. I appreciate it."

Kazuo nodded. "Not a problem, Lady Bei Fong." He pulled his keys out and unlocked the cell. "I trust you have a way home?"

"There's a carriage outside." Toph helped Sokka lift up the still-sleeping Zuko. "We can manage him from here."

The two of them carried the snoring Fire Lord out into the humid summer air. The carriage was waiting, but Zuko suddenly stirred and pulled away from them.

"What are you doing?" Toph pulled right back at him, trying to keep him on course, then heard the unmistakable sound of heaving, followed by a spattering sound and a cry of disgust from Sokka.

Toph just closed her eyes. "Promise me we will never take him out with us ever again."

Sokka grunted as he maneuvered Zuko up to the carriage. "Only if you promise to never speak of this night again."

From inside the carriage Zuko retched again.

* * *

Totally and utterly ridiculous. I'm well aware. Yes, that is a real drinking song, courtesy of JoJoDancer, who has an almost encyclopedic knowledge of random drinking songs. 

As far as other fics go: Chapter 7 of Shadows needs to be revised, badly, before it goes up. Thank god I'm going home for Thanksgiving next week and can actually accomplish some writing. I have another Escapade just about done – except that I can't think of an ending, which is problematic. There's also a vague idea for another Escapade floating around in my head, if I can ever pull it together and write it.

Also, one very slight but relevant rant: _Why_ is there no Tokka fanart? I found a couple pieces, but there desperately needs to be more.

Big big thanks to those who reviewed Chapter 4: nOt-X-dEaD-x-YeT, PM Hall, Piezo, December's Rose, MormonMaiden, Earth'sLuxery, Typewriterman, Philosopher, Yumi52IshiyamaQ, Ron Weasly girl, SakuraAyanami, Museless Shinigami, .Lady.Meister. (a new Tokka shipper? Really? HURRAH!) and especially frozenheat, Sifu Toph, and shinjae. You guys are awesome and I thank you all for paying attention to my humble stories.


	6. Honorable Reputation

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**

**Chapter the Sixth**: Honorable Reputation

**A/N**: 92 Reviews. You _guys_! 92 reviews for these silly little stories! I am shocked and kinda touched, in a good way.

This is short and sweet. A little thing for JoJoDancer, who requested Sokka streaking for Christmas. Warnings for being blatantly unbeta'd

**Disclaimer**: No, I still don't own Avatar. This is being written purely for mine and your amusement.

* * *

"Toph, this isn't fair!" He was whining at this point, and he did not care. 

Toph, as usual, was immoveable as a rock. She reclined in her chair, feet casually propped up at the table, the bowl of noodles that was to make up her lunch perched dangerously in her lap. She snorted at him in an unladylike manner. "You lost the bet. That's your forfeit."

"But Toph!" Sokka pounded a fist on the table in frustration. "This is ridiculous! You've been with me naked before, and even if you hadn't, how can you have any appreciation for streaking? You're _blind_!"

Toph's hands flew to her eyes, the bowl of noodles crashing to the floor.

"I'm _blind_?! _What_?!" She cried before dropping her hands back into her lap, feeling for her lunch. "Thanks for reminding me, Meathead." He was quiet in response, and Toph frowned unpleasantly at him. "I do hope you're not trying to get out of this. It wouldn't be very honorable to welch on a bet."

Sokka sighed and dropped his head to the table. He had thought he was safe making a bet about Katara – after all, who knew his sister better than he did?

Toph Bei Fong, apparently.

"Now," she said, leaning forward and crossing her arms in a businesslike manner. "I have a very specific route I want you to follow."

* * *

The servant, Fire Lady Mai noted with some tinge of annoyance, had forgotten to set out clean towels _again_. 

She sighed and hoisted herself from the now cool bathwater, opening the pantry door and searching for a fresh towel to dry herself off with.

Her wet hair dripped into her eyes, and behind her she heard the door slam open. Thinking it was the servant who had realized her mistake, she didn't bother to turn around until she heard a noise that sounded suspiciously like a mouse being stepped on. Mai straightened and turned around slowly, unsure what was about to greet her.

The Water Tribe warrior was standing behind her, naked as the day he was born.

Mai blinked at him.

A blush started at the tips of his ears and traveled down. Mai couldn't help following the blush.

He repeated the squeaking sound, but didn't move, frozen in his shock. It was quite possible he was imagining all the different ways he was going to be punished for this transgression.

(Mai would never find out, but Sokka was actually wondering just where Mai was hiding her knives on her naked body.)

She wordlessly offered him the towel she had just removed form the pantry.

He started to reach for it, then faltered. Mai raised an eyebrow questioningly.

"It's just… Toph would kill me if I came back with a towel." He said by way of explanation.

She nodded in understanding, and, not bothering to cover herself, walked to the door on the other side of the room that would lead to the (now empty) changing room that would eventually lead him back to the hallway and his own bedroom. Mai opened it and gestured, and he took off, trying, and failing, not to make any eye contact with the Fire Lady on his way out. His face stayed a shade of red that she'd only seen on the royal tapestries.

Her eyes followed him out the room, and she allowed herself a small laugh.

* * *

Breakfast the next morning was a tense affair. 

Sokka had managed to run into a servant carrying fresh laundry into the changing room. She had shrieked something awful, and soon a report of Sokka's jog through the palace had reached Lord Zuko.

Mai's eyes stayed focused on her plate of food. Across the table, Ty Lee and Toph were picking at their food, a tense air of expectation around them as they waited for something to happen, some sort of spark that would make everything explode. Aang was cheerfully talking to the servants, aware of the anxious atmosphere but determined to ignore it.

Sokka was no where to be found.

Zuko was shoveling food into his mouth as fast as he could. He was only halfway through the plate when Ty Lee accidentally let a nervous giggle escape. With a loud clang, he slammed his spoon onto the table and stood up, mumbling something about getting to work early.

There was no response. Zuko glared at Aang, who suddenly got the message. With a surprised "Oh!" he reluctantly put down his own silverware and stood up to follow Zuko, pausing to give one last longing glance at the fresh fruit still on his plate.

The door clicked behind them, and Ty Lee turned to Mai.

"Well?" she demanded.

Mai gave a small smile and a nod, and Ty Lee let out a whoop.

"_Really_?"

"Told ya." Toph said knowledgably, giving Ty Lee a smug grin.

"You're blind!" Ty Lee insisted. "How would you know about… Sokka and Zuko's little benders?"

"I see more than you do _because_ I'm blind." Toph drained her orange juice, then turned back to Mai. "Are you satisfied with my forfeit?"

Mai nodded. "Never let it be said that Toph Bei Fong is not honorable with her bets."

The three of them were quiet for a moment, each amused by their own private thoughts.

"So," Ty Lee broke the silence, looking at Toph questioningly. "When did you see Zuko naked?"

* * *

Sokka was roused from sleep by a loud pounding on his door. 

Rubbing his eyes blearily, he cracked open the door only to be shoved back as his sister blew through the door and breezed past him.

"So," she asked in her false-casual-I'm-actually-angry-at-you tone, "What's this I hear about you betting about me?"

* * *

_**A/N**: I'm just amused by the idea of the boys being nothing more than pawns in the girl's plans. _

_There'll be a double update on Shadows, maybe by this weekend. Chapters 7 and 8 are being revised now. I had to break from it, momentarily, to write something for someone who has kept me writing fanfiction when I got all distracted and encouraged me even when I was in full on pout mode. _

_And finally, my thanks to my reviewers on the last chapter: Ron Weasly Girl, Ultra-Geek, nOt-X-dEaD-x-YeT, sugarland31, PO.Texaco, Typewriterman, Chigirl, Piezo, frozenheat, P.M. Hall, Sifu Toph, Earth's Luxery, Jess Readin, Yumi52IshiyamaQ, SakuraAyanami, December'sRose, shinjae, Dragonkid1191, Crazy Freckles, ShinakaStar, AssaultSloth, Meow-Mix-91, Willow-Bee the cat, and Owl of the Night. _

_Seriously, I cannot thank you guys enough. I'm amazed at how much you guys enjoy these silly little things – thanks for being patient with me while I finished out this semester._


	7. Assigning Responsibility

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**

**Chapter the Seventh**: **Assigning Responsibility**

**Or**, how to explain to a pissed off Fire Lord why his uncle's favorite tea house has been destroyed.

**A/N**: I lied about getting Chapter 8 up last night. Stupid body needing stupid sleep. In penance, an Escapade to hold you over until Chapter 8 is up. Do I really need to put a spoiler warning still for the season finale? There is a tiny one in there.

It's a short one – it's alllll for the last line, baby.

* * *

**How Sokka Explained**: 

"Well, you see, Zu - Lord Zuko – sir," Sokka tripped over his words, trying to think of the best way to explain the previous night to the extremely angry Fire Lord and his tearful uncle.

"We started out at the Cranky Dragon, like usual." Sokka scratched the back of his head. "Me and Toph had a few drinks, like usual, played some cards, like usual. It was a usual night for us."

Zuko held up a piece of parchment. "This says you're not allowed back into the Cranky Dragon until after the next full moon."

"Ah! Well, see, Toph and I were talking about the moon, and Toph remembered some stories from when she was a kid, about how some people would turn into boarwolves at the full moon, and one thing led to another, you know-"

The look on Zuko's face indicated he did _not_ know. Next to him, Iroh let out a loud sniffle.

"We started thinking about what it would be like to be a boarwolf, we _may_ have done a few impersonations - we were drunk, and you know how drunk people talk-"

"Toph bit three people." Zuko said coolly.

"We… didn't want the boarwolves to die out?" Sokka tried weakly.

Zuko rubbed his eyes wearily. "Get to the part with the fountain."

"Okay, _that_ was an accident," Sokka objected.

"Just explain why Public Service is cleaning green bubbles from the town square."

"I was carrying powder in my pouch from my experiments with your blast crews." Sokka shrugged, making a futile attempt to downplay the situation. "Toph claimed she was thirsty, got into the fountain and then thought she was drowning. I had _no idea_ that a little, _tiny_, bit of powder would react with simple water that way!"

Zuko eyed him.

"And then Toph decided it was hilarious and dumped the rest of the powder in." Sokka conceded.

Zuko looked down at his report again. "Want to tell me why you're not allowed in the Smoky Rat Tavern ever again?"

"Oh. Toph was claiming she could see through people's clothes. It wasn't a problem until she started comparing guy's… you know." Sokka felt a blush heat up his face.

"That got you banned from the bar _forever_?" Zuko asked flatly.

"Some of the guys took it pretty personally… including the head barkeep…"

Zuko sighed. "Just get to the teahouse." Iroh let out a choked sound.

"Well I wanted a place to calm down after all the excitement of the evening!" Sokka exclaimed defensively. "And what better place then a nice, relaxing tea house with a soothing cup of jasmine tea?"

Iroh whimpered at the mention of his favorite tea.

"You find relaxation in destroying a teahouse?" Zuko's jaw was clenched, teeth gritting audibly.

"No! That was a total accident!" Sokka insisted. "These guys came in and challenged Toph to an arm wrestling contest…" he trailed off, trying to remember what had happened next.

"And?" Zuko demanded.

"Um… these guys came in and challenged Toph to an arm wrestling contest, and then the tea house was accidentally destroyed. Look, it'll give them a chance to make it better! It was just plain old stone before – they can build a metal building now! Toph would be safe in there!"

Zuko glared at him.

"Oh right." Sokka stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Toph can bend metal."

"So then what happened?" Zuko asked, clearly nearing the end of his patience with the whole matter.

"Then you wouldn't bail us out of jail."

Zuko slammed a fist down to his desk. "Damnit, you destroyed Uncle's favorite tea house! Of course I let you spend the night in jail!"

"There's no reason to be like that!" Sokka said contemptuously.

Zuko's head dropped down to the desk. "Get out of my sight. Go get Toph."

"Look," said Sokka. "I know she made some mistakes last night, but please don't be angry with her. I'll take responsibility for her. Just don't yell at her."

"_Go get Toph_." Zuko ordered in a low, dangerous tone.

* * *

**How Toph Explained:**

"Well?" demanded Zuko.

"Look," Toph said crossly. "It was _all Sokka's fault_!"

* * *

As usual, my thanks go out to those who reviewed the previous chapter: sugarland31, frozenheat, Random Stuff About Stuff, Yumi52IshiyamaQ, Piezo, Brild, nOt-X-dEaD-x-YeT, Crazy Freckles, Dragonkid1191, The Pterodactyl, Ultra-Geek, Ron Weasly Girl, PinkTyLee, December'sRose, SakuraAyanami, silverkonekotsukari, Sifu Toph, MormonMaiden, Owl of the Night, and ShinakaStar. 

Seriously, I'm slightly overwhelmed by the response to these. I appreciate your reviews – they definitely make me want to write more, that's for sure.


	8. Top Priority

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**

**Chapter the Eighth: Top Priorities**

**A/N:** This is probably as shippy as I'm ever gonna let it get with these two; like I said, my version of this pair usually falls under "drinking buddies" category. I haven't decided yet on my final feelings on this chapter. This one is more Toph-centric than the previous ones, but hey, Toph is awesome, so who really cares?

In this chapter: Toph reflects on the important things in life.

Once again, thanks go to JoJoDancer, because tenses will always beat me.

* * *

There was much to be said for Toph Bei Fong. She was regarded world wide as a war hero. She had buckets of money. She was a powerful negotiator to have on one's side, as she usually had no problem getting exactly what she wanted. She could perform earthbending moves that no other bender in the world could duplicate. 

Less known about Toph Bei Fong was her intense adoration for the dessert known as cake.

It was a life-long affair that began when she was just a toddler. Her mother, concerned in the best interests of her child, had been keeping Toph on a strict sweets-free diet until she was called away to her mother's house one early summer, not long after Toph's first birthday.

One of her father's business contacts had sent over a cake as an acknowledgment of a completed deal. And Lao Bei Fong had without hesitation had the cake served for dessert in place of his young daughter's usual spiced apples.

"Cake, Toph," the servants had firmly told the girl. She was at the stage where she was starting to form sounds into words, and the entire household was making an effort to identify everything Toph could handle in her chubby little hands.

All in all, Toph had clapped delightedly, the servants had smiled at her happiness, and Lao Bei Fong had smiled fondly at his daughter, confident in the knowledge that he could give her things that would make her happy without getting her in trouble with his wife.

Then his wife had returned the next night. Dinner had been served as normal, but when dessert rolled had around and attempts were made to serve Toph her usual helping of spiced apples, the girl had simply refused to open her mouth.

"Open your mouth, Toph," her mother had scolded gently.

Toph had twisted as far as she could in her seat before opening her mouth and saying loudly and clearly, "Cake."

It was the only time Lao Bei Fong had ever cowered in front of his wife.

The other great love of Toph Bei Fong's life (other than earthbending, which didn't count because earthbending _was_ her life and it never occurred to Toph to count it as anything other than an extension of herself) was the warrior of the Watertribe, Sokka.

Their relationship had started when Toph was merely an adolescent and was away from home from the first time. It was natural, of the two boys she was traveling with, that she would develop a crush on Sokka – he was almost a man, and he could take a rock to the head much better than that whiny pansy-assed Avatar.

It wasn't until several years after the war, when she was finally almost an adult herself that she had realized that he returned her affections. There was neither weepy confession (like Katara and Aang) nor determined, melodramatic speech (like Zuko and Mai); there was simply that one day she was Toph and he was Sokka, and then the next day they were Toph and Sokka. Easy for both of them and without the useless angst that she had witnessed others go through.

Cake and Sokka held special places in her life: both something she loved dearly, both something her mother would rather she not have.

This explained the surly mood Toph was currently in; really, she should have been in a much better mood. She was back in Gaoling, surrounded by friends and family. She had been the guest of honor at a large, elaborate party in honor of her birthday. There were presents still to be opened. Most people would have celebrated these things.

Toph, mostly, was irritated. This was her parent's fault.

When they'd offered to host her birthday celebration this year, she had, at first, balked at their offer. Toph saw her parents regularly; after the war they'd reconciled, but there were still deep wounds, both in how they had treated her and how they continued to treat her. She wasn't a child and hadn't been for a long time – but she was still their child, and their only child at that. Sometimes they still made actual attempts to guide her, and she, despite knowing they only had her best interests at heart, could not help resisting fiercely.

Not to mention there'd been constant whispers about grandchildren from the staff during her last visit.

Toph finally relented and allowed her parents to plan the party after making two demands: that she be allowed to invite all her friends and not just her father's business contacts and their unmarried sons, and that they provide a large, multi-flavored and multi-tiered cake.

They had grudgingly agreed, and so Toph and Sokka had gone to Gaoling and stayed at her parent's estate – Aang and Katara had been delayed and couldn't arrive until the night of the party itself – while they had bustled around and planned the type of large, gaudy, extravagant party that was so popular among those in court.

What Toph hadn't counted on – and later cursed herself a thousand times over for not anticipating – was being swept back into court life and kept so busy that she didn't have any time to spend with Sokka. Naturally, her parents had placed him in the guest room as far away as possible from hers without actually placing him in the servant's house, and the one night she had attempted to sneak out of her room she found out that the matronly head maid was, in fact, a very light sleeper.

Toph was very, _very_ frustrated by the night of the party – and had consoled herself with the knowledge that even if she hadn't had any alone time with Sokka for three whole days (and three _long_ nights), she, at the very least, would be getting some cake.

And then something completely inconceivable had happened: Toph had missed the cake. Her parents had outmaneuvered her; they gave into her demands, and then kept her so busy, running around and shaking hands and introducing her to people and generally throwing the exact party she was afraid they would – later she would rage about how she had seen it all coming and had still been sucked helplessly into it – that every time she got a hold of a cool porcelain plate she had been interrupted before she could take a bite. Then, by the time she had gotten away from her parents and their friends and their cigar smoke (oh, how she vowed to destroy Fire Lord Zuko for making those fashionable in court,) and got to the desert table herself, the cake had been removed from the table, probably banished back to the kitchens to either be finished off by the servants or thrown out with the garbage.

So by the time Toph had finally gotten out of the party – after discovering, much to her dismay, that not only was the cake gone, Sokka had slipped out of the party some time earlier already, so she hadn't gotten to spend any time with him once _again_ – she was, in fact, in a very surly mood indeed.

The staff skirted her as she stomped through the hallways, grumbling angrily to herself. Really, she had suspected this would happen. Really, she shouldn't have allowed her parents to parade her around like that. Really, she should have made more demands that would have either forced them to cancel the party or ensured that she would have actually enjoyed her birthday.

She reached her bedroom door and froze, hand halfway to the door ring. There was carpeting on the floor, but underneath was stone, and she could see clearly what was waiting on the other side for her.

Toph yanked back the door, nearly stubbing her toe in her haste, slipped through the door, and pulled it shut behind her. Walking past the bed, where Sokka lay in a robe, she threw herself down on the couch and shoved her hand into the large cake – some sections cut from it, but mostly intact – that sat on the short table in front of her.

"Hey!" Sokka squawked, sitting up sharply from the bed. "Don't I get a greeting?"

Toph stuck a huge hunk of cake in her mouth. "Good evening," she said regally, ignoring the crumbs that spilled down her front onto the green silk dress her mother had purchased especially for the evening - the maid would have a spectacular fit in the morning when she came to collect the laundry. "Thank you for saving my cake."

"Your welcome. I noticed you were kept pretty much on your father's arm all night."

Suddenly, as if she had just realized he was in the room, Toph _noticed_ him. Something was off – his voice had a low grumbling tone to her, and the way he was sitting on her bad, one foot grazing the floor in idle circles, shoulders slumped though a low tension thrummed through his body.

"Are you _pouting_?" she asked incredulously, wondering what he could possibly be upset about.

"Well did you even notice me when you came into the room? You went straight for the stupid dessert!" He was whining at her. Her jaw started to droop before she remembered that there was still cake in her mouth.

"It's my _birthday cake_!" she exclaimed, holding up the fist that was still clutching a sizeable hunk of the delicacy. "I haven't had a piece all evening!"

"And you haven't had a piece of _me_ in three days!" There was a desperate quality to his voice.

A strange laugh at the absurdity of their argument bubbled up through Toph's chest but was quickly shoved back down. "I do hope that wasn't supposed to be a come-on," she said, only half serious.

Sokka stood up from the bed. "So if Azula burst through that door and told you that you could either save me or eat an entire cake and that you had to make up your mind _right now_, which would you choose?" he demanded.

Toph hesitated.

"Are you kidding me?!" Sokka exploded, hands flying up in the air.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Toph exclaimed, sitting up from the couch and waving her hands patronizingly.

Sokka paused, hands on his hips, staring at her expectantly.

Toph licked one of her fingers clean. "What kind of icing does this cake have?"

Sokka groaned, defeated and flopped back onto the bed.

* * *

Mmm. Like I said, I haven't made up my mind about this chapter. For one, the characterization of Toph's parents. I figure at some point she and her parents will be reconciled (and actually, if you want to read a fantastic version of it I highly recommend Chapter 11 of Daughter of Atlas's fic Of All Time) but I also figured that it'll be a life long struggle between them. I think I may be going a little harder on them here than I should be; on the other hand, as an only child, I understand that parents will do absolutely anything for grandchildren, even if it involves throwing a lavish birthday party to auction off you child. 

Also, the idea of the Bei Fong's not liking Sokka and Toph basically flipping them off amuses me.

The thing with Toph and the cake started back in chapter two at Zuko's birthday party. I don't know why I decided that Toph had a crack-like addiction to cake, only that I did, and then JoJoDancer referenced it both in **Just Desserts** (only to have Toph steal the entire fic out from under Aang and Katara) AND in **Guardians of the Household**, both times because she knew it would make me laugh. The story about Toph's first words is in fact based on a true story involving a friend of mine, although the sweet in question was chocolate and not cake.

And… wow. A lot of reviews – thank you all who reviewed the last chapter:

December'sRose, Coeus, MormonMaiden, frozenheat, Piezo, postal, Yumi52IshiyamaQ, PinkTyLee, Ultra-Geek, silverkonekotsukari, sakunade, SakuraAyanami, EvilFuzzy9, Magawa, ShinakaStar, White Fuzzy Ears, blackrose113, Ron Weasly Girl, Willow-Bee the Cat, Goddess of Lame 2.0, allicat, Phoenix'sSoul, livexlikexyouxmeanxit, Owl of the Night, shinjae, Dragonkid1191, Crazy Freckles, i have nonexistent superiority, sugarland31, pandacookie, Nafien, Shay Bo Bay, and Kumori Doragon. Every single review is read several times over and is much appreciated.


	9. Damage Control

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**

**Chapter the Ninth: Damage Control**

**A/N:** _I know, it has been a very very very long time since I've updated the Escapades – there's an honest excuse, I swear! For those of you that aren't following my other story, **And When the Gauntlet's Down**, I've been taking all my Tokka urges out on that. I know not everyone who follows the Escapades also enjoy Kataang and Maiko, so if you're interested; Tokka is featured (with no other ships mentioned) in chapters 3 and 5 of Guantlet._

_This most recent Escapade again touches a more relationshippy than I'm used to – the next chapter will be back to drunken shenanigans, I promise._

* * *

The clay tiles were warm underneath him as he settled down next to her. Hooking his arms around his knees, he followed her blank eyes out past the estate, the walls, and even farther still towards the horizon, where the sky was clean and light blue, not a cloud in the way as the sun approached its zenith at midday. He was grateful to be out here, and not in one of the stuffy buildings below them; he'd had to wait forever until the coast was clear to avoid people asking questions and drawing him into search parties and therefore wasn't surprised that she had arrived on the roof before him despite the fact that they hadn't agreed to meet there. 

Surprisingly, Toph spoke first. "Think of how much money is being wasted right now."

A half grin rose on Sokka's face. "They'll all be having heart attacks."

She laughed, then groaned, and buried her head in her hands. "So have they called out the search parties yet?"

"Yeah." His thumbnail had somehow found its way into his mouth. He gnawed at it anxiously.

"I could go down there and make it a lot easier for them."

"Who cares?" Sokka shrugged. "There's going to be bloodshed tonight no matter what you do."

Toph laughed again before quickly sobering up. Dropping back into her usual position with her arms behind her head, she said, almost a little too casually, "Forget them anyway. We need to talk about _us_."

Normally words that would strike fear into Sokka's heart, but he'd been expecting this conversation. Mostly, he was just surprised that it hadn't come sooner. "I know."

"It feels different, doesn't it?" she said softly, after drawing in a hitched breath. "It's not right."

His eyes never strayed from the horizon. He could hear the raw emotion in her voice and he was afraid that if he broke his gaze to look at her he'd see something else she didn't want him to see. "It hasn't been for a while," he agreed softly, closing his eyes and bowing his head.

It hurt, admitting that their relationship had gone beyond their control; that they'd been helpless to control the events surrounding them and that as a result, the bond between them had been damaged.

"It's just…" he trailed off. "With your parents-" Her parents loathed Sokka. They thought he was clumsy and disrespectful and not at all a suitable match for the heir of their fortune. "And my responsibilities at home –" The end of the war had found him highly in demand to serve as an ambassador for the rebuilding Southern Water Tribe, forcing him to travel constantly. "And your responsibilities here-" Despite her best efforts, she'd been drawn into court life, and while she liked using her political prowess to help Aang's cause, it also meant that she was stuck in the Earth Kingdom while Sokka was running around between nations. Their lives had grown beyond each other.

Toph stiffened, and then sat up. Putting a finger to her lips, she pointed down to the street beneath them. Peering over the roof's edge, Sokka only glimpsed the trio who were going from building to building, holding pictures and descriptions, before rolling his eyes and turning his attention back to Toph.

She was curled up now, chin resting on her knees as she watched the people moving below her through the clay roof and the stone walls. "So that's it then," she said blankly. "That's why you've been acting so weird."

"_I've_ been acting we-?!" His exclamation was cut off when she balled a fist and decked him, right in the ribs.

"You idiot!" she berated, her face flushing, her eyes growing bright. Toph seemed to tower above him, despite the fact that they were both sitting as she raged at him. "You're letting other people make decisions for you! Those are reasons _other_ people think we can't be together!"

For a moment he goggled, mouthing like a gasping fish as he held his side and searched for words, but years of arguing with Toph had made him used to this position and he quickly found his ground. "Look, if you're out here with me, then clearly you've listened to them too."

She tilted her head and considered his words. "You're right," she agreed, sounding almost cheerful. "I have." A grin stretched across her face, and Sokka found himself wondering what ridiculous things people had been telling _her_ about their relationship - and whether or not he was allowed to punch her back now.

"We've been going about this the wrong way," she announced, crossing her legs and laying back once again. "We've been so determined to prove everyone wrong we nearly-" She cut herself off and shook her head, giving a small, giddy laugh.

"We need to do this our way," she said simply.

He didn't respond for a moment, considering her suggestion and the new possibilities that it could open up. As usually happened between the two of them, he felt a sudden need to up the ante, to try and top her, to see how serious she truly was.

"We could run away," he threw out, the words hanging in the warm, stagnant summer air.

And, as usually happened between them, she met his challenge and surprised him. It was something that happened so often that it _shouldn't_ have surprised him anymore, but hell – that was half the reason he loved her anyway.

"We could run away," she agreed, sitting up again and twirling a piece of hair around one of her fingers. Then, as if suddenly suspicious of his intentions, she added, "Just run away, right? Nothing else?"

"If I wanted anything else I wouldn't be on this roof with you right now," he said grumpily.

In response, her face split into a grin, that slightly maniacal one that he'd come to know so well and would have loved if it weren't for the pit of fear it always put into his stomach. That _they won't know what hit them_ grin. Her head bobbled in agreement, her tongue darting out to lick her lips as she thought about it.

"We _should_ run away," Toph said, with almost malicious satisfaction. "Where should we go?"

"Wherever we want," Sokka answered automatically. "We do it our way."

"What should we take?" she asked quizzically, uncharacteristically taking the role of scientist, analyzing his wild idea, a reversal from their usual positions.

"Everything. Nothing. Whatever we want."

There was a moment of silence between them. "Well?" he asked, trying not to sound impatient.

"Let's go." She shrugged, acquiescing. "But first-"

He looked at her, patiently waiting for her request. Below them, another search party noisily passed through the door.

"Help me out of this dress," she groused, turning her back to him and scooting closer. "I can't exactly run away in my bridal clothes, can I?"

_**

* * *

A/N:** Kinda silly, but I can imagine people trying to convince Sokka and Toph that they aren't right for each other, and them being so determined to prove everyone wrong that they would just decide get married. Oh those two. _

_Thank you to those who reviewed chapter 8: Goddess of Lame 2.0, shinjae, RamaFan, Sifu Toph, frozenheat, Typewriterman, Crazy Freckles, Nafien, Owl of the Night, MormonMaiden, Ron Weasly girl, Snows of Yester-Year, Random Stuff About Stuff, Phoenix'sSoul, trunksgirl85, SakuraAyanami, Piezo, unrequitedxlovexsucks, Philosopher, pureangel86, White Fuzzy Ears, Fusion Blaster, silverkonekotsukari, December'sRose, sakunade, EfrainMan, das867, Havocess, allicat, Anime-Apothecary, pandacookie, ShinakaStar, Mari and Isaac for taking the time to read and review! I appreciate it!_

_Annnnd now to focus on Shadows. _


	10. Punchline

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead.**

**Chapter the Tenth: Punchline**

**Summary**: Toph and Sokka are unamused to discover that they're the butt of the joke.

**A/N:** Yes, the Escapades are still alive! This is just a short one that occured to me before I go back to slaving over Shadows. I promised a return to drunken shenanigans, and here it is:

* * *

"Now this, _this_ is what it's like to actually come home," Toph sighed in contentment as she slid into place at the bar, already signaling the bartender to them. 

"Your father is going to be horrified. He's gonna yell at us again," Sokka pointed out. The pair was in Gaoling, visiting her parents before continuing east towards Ba Sing Se. There had been an awkward lunch, then an even more awkward dinner, and then Toph and Sokka had finally slipped out, heading towards the center of town where the local favorite tavern was located; it was a popular hangout for Earth Rumble gossip and teeming with fellow Earthbenders. They made a point of visiting every time they came through Gaoling; Toph's name was legendary - not her _family_ name, she'd gushed enthusiastically after their first visit, "The Blind Bandit", the name she _created_ - and Sokka was regularly star struck when some of his favorite Rumblers came drinking through.

"He'll be completely appalled," Toph agreed, "But he'll probably only yell at you this time. He's pretty much given up on me - now I think he just wants to blame people _for_ me."

Sokka wisely chose not to point out that most of the trouble they landed in was usually Toph's fault.

Two hours later found Toph and Sokka sitting in a circle with several other patrons, drinking ale and playing cards and trading stories. At some point, several other patrons turned into a good dozen or two, spread out over three tables, enough that two different card games were running and it was near impossible to communicate from one side of the table to the other over all the chatter. Trading stories morphed into several rousing choruses of Toph's favorite drinking song, and then slid easily into exchanging bawdy jokes.

"And then she said, _that's not my waterskin_!" Their entire half of the table burst out laughing, though Sokka strongly suspected a few of the more drunker men didn't exactly get the joke and just enjoyed the opportunity to laugh hard and out loud, something that wasn't always afforded to them during the war.

Just as they were starting to settle down, the young man on the other side of Sokka - Hui, a newer recruit who'd insisted on going by "The Mad Badgermole" and had only taken part in the most recent Earth Rumble and been absolutely dismantled - started telling a joke to the men on the other side of him.

"So a guy with a boomerang and a blind earthbender walk into a bar-"

That was as far as he got; the men he'd been telling the joke to started laughing again, having clearly heard the joke before, and Toph, who's hearing had always been more acute than others, reached across Sokka - who's jaw had dropped at the word "boomerang" - and grabbed Hui by the shirt collar.

"What did you just say?!" Toph demanded, still half in Sokka's lap, her fists curled in Hui's shirt.

For a moment Hui was in shock, mouthing at Toph like a dying fish, and then suddenly his eyes widened as understanding dawned. "I-you-"

"What's the punchline?" she snarled, shaking him.

Sokka's brain suddenly snapped back into motion. "Hey, hey, hey," he said easily, sticking a palm in Toph's face and pushing her back, forcing to her let go of Hui. "Let's all just calm down-"

Unfortunately, when Toph let go of Hui, he rocked back, upsetting his chair and going heels over head, clattering to the floor as if someone had shoved him. Most of the men barely batted an eye, except for the two that Hui had been telling the joke to in the first place, who suddenly had a look in their eyes that indicated Sokka was now no more than a fresh piece of meat, and they, _they_ were the butchers.

For all of his enthusiasm for the Earth Rumble tournaments, Sokka was perfectly happy to remain in the stands, hooting and hollering and throwing rocks when they sprayed out into the crowd.

Getting involved in a brawl in the middle of a bar with a bunch of Earth Rumble participants loosed all at once - which is precisely what happened when Hui managed to pull himself up and his two friends jumped Sokka, only to have Toph step in to defend him - was, well, pretty much what it sounded like. A total free-for-all, with all the earthbenders trying to beat each other up at once, except with much less rock chucking and more fist throwing; Sokka found that he didn't have a champion to root for as much as he had a fervent desire to get out of the bar alive.

Glass was breaking all around him, clinking on the ground, and chairs were being smashed; Sokka tried his best to stick by Toph, as he usually did, but the Rumblers were all _really_ _big guys_, and while Toph wasn't afraid of them, Sokka kinda was, especially once he learned that there wasn't much of a difference between their Rumble-persona and their real life personality.

The next day no one would be sure how the fire started - most everybody was going to be inclined to blame the Fire Nation Man, despite the fact that he was a Gaoling native and could firebend no more than he could fit into a pair size-2 pants, and Sokka secretly remembered about how Iroh had once shown Toph how she could easily start a fire with a dirty rag shoved into a bottle of rum - but at the time, no one cared much how it started when the smoke started pouring out of the bar, clouding the room and starting a stampede for the door.

Sokka stumbled into the cold night air, gasping for breath and disappointingly sobered up, looking frantically for Toph through the herd of large, angry, semi-terrified men.

He was quickly shoved to the side, beating down the odd, irrational thought of the just how angry the Bei Fongs were going to be when they heard about this. The ground shifted dangerously under his feet, rocking him forward, and he could hear a distinctly feminine voice bellowing over the grumble of males in the fresh night air. He sighed with relief as he knew without a doubt that Toph was out of the bar and safe, and probably continuing a fight with someone; bells were starting to ring from the outskirts of town, signalling the arrival of the Fire Brigade.

Several yards off from the teeming mass of people sat Hui, curled up on the ground, watching the blazing bar with a dazed look on his face. Sokka looked at him for a moment, then reached out and prodded him hard in the shoulder.

"Hey!" he called sharply. Hui started from the rough treatment and blinked blearily at Sokka, ineffectually licking at a bloodied lip. "How did that joke end anyway?"

Hui blinked.

"You know," Sokka snapped impatiently. "A guy with a boomerang and a blind earthbender walk into a bar. How did it end?"

Hui shrugged and turned his attention back to the scene in front of him. "The bar was destroyed."

* * *

**A/N**: This could easily be subtitled "Or, the author has been reading too many Chuck Norris jokes." I am unashamed.

...And now I return to Swamp fic.


	11. Proven Superiority

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**  
**Chapter the Eleventh**: **Proven Superiority**  
**Summary**: A simple festival in Kyoshi gets completely out of hand. Sokka finds himself ganged up on.  
**A/N**: The Escapades are not dead, things just keep distracting me. I've been meaning to write this one for a while, so I'm happy it's finally going up. Features the return of DrinkingGame!Sokka and Toph, Lightweight!Aang, and a special guest appearence by Suki.

* * *

Kyoshi this time a year was a beautiful thing. 

Sokka nodded with satisfaction, reclining as best as he could, turning on the little bench he was sitting on so he could lean against the table behind him and watch the proceedings with satisfaction. On his right was Suki, dressed in full Kyoshi warrior regalia, the green skirt folded demurely at her knees and gold fans glinting at her hips in the dull light. On his left was Toph, who'd managed to recapture the basics of her Blind Bandit uniform from a Kyoshi uniform, with one notable exception: she was wearing Suki's brass headdress. It sat awkwardly atop her pulled-up hair, but she didn't seem to mind as she swung her feet and took a deep drink from the stein she was nursing.

Oh sure, there were brilliantly colored trees and bright, strange fruits and the coast looked frighteningly beautiful even without the Unagi. The landscape was secondary to the girls.

Naturally, Sokka had jumped at the chance when Aang had asked Sokka and Toph to accompany him and Katara to the Festival of Kyoshi, the annual feast in honor of the harvest and Kyoshi's birthday. Though it was one of the little "public duties" Aang often performed as Avatar, Sokka knew Aang saw it as something of a little vacation; Kyoshi had long been close to his heart, and not only because of the ever growing fan club that resided there – which, oddly, had not been put off in the least by Aang's betrothal to Katara, much to her dismay.

As if summoned, his sister appeared in front of him at that moment, wringing her hands with a worried look upon her face.

"You haven't seen Aang, have you?" she asked anxiously, her eyes darting through the room, looking for the familiar blue arrow. "Oyajii keeps refilling his wine and you know how he gets…"

"Will he be okay?" Suki asked, sitting up a bit straighter at Katara's worried tone.

"Oh, yes!" Katara insisted, waving her hands in a placating manner and convincing absolutely no one of her sincerity. Drawing on years of using delicate language to help manage world affairs, she added, "He's just not that good at holding his liquor –"

"The Avatar is an absolute lightweight," Toph interjected, tipping her glass at Suki and taking another sip. "And I think I sense Twinkletoes outside, Katara, but the vibrations are faint."

"Thank you," Katara gushed, pathetically grateful as she turned tail and headed for the doorway, clearly intent on preventing Aang from airbending drunk. Or firebending. Or pretty much doing anything in general except for talking, and even that was risky territory.

"I saw him earlier and thought he was awfully drunk for that early in the evening…" Suki mused out loud. "I wonder how much he's had to drink."

"Probably not much." Sokka shrugged. "It always hits him right away."

"Like that time at my parent's house," Toph said, a nostalgic look on her face.

"Or at the Winter Solstice in the North Pole," Sokka added.

"Or the Summer Solstice in the Fire Nation capital."

"Or his birthday in Ba Sing Se last year.'

For a moment they sat there and reflected upon the lightweight Avatar until Suki broke the silence. "So… he's going to be hurting tomorrow.'

"Oh yeah."

"One time," Suki half-murmured, her index finger circling the lip of her own mug, "The girls and I got into a big drinking contest the night before an early practice, and our leader found out about it and woke us up early and made us spar twice as long that day. I don't think I've ever been so sick before."

Her mind was still far away, remembering, and missed completely the interested looks on Sokka and Toph's faces. "Who won?" Sokka prompted, when Suki appeared to have no intention of continuing the story.

Suki shot him an insulted look. "Me, of course."

"That's the way to do it!" Toph said approvingly. "I beat Sokka here all the time."

"Not all the time!" Sokka protested, instantly affronted.

"Most of the time," Toph amended. "I usually win."

"Not always!"

The pair continued arguing while Suki eyed them, considering the blind girl's words. Despite several years of post-war growth, she was still a good half-foot shorter than Sokka, and even with her toned muscles (clearly from strenuous earthbending) she was still a slight, skinny thing. If it wouldn't have resulted in the immediate removal of her teeth, she might have even called the earthbender cute, or sweet.

"Then explain why I always have to pay the tab at the Cranky Dragon, Meathead!" Toph yelled next to him. For a moment Sokka was flabbergasted, mouthing for words in the face of his astonishment, and Toph continued, "It's because you always pass out before last call-"

"No, it's because I'm always _arrested_ by last call!" Sokka interjected hotly. Suki looked alarmed at these words, and Sokka scrambled to clarify, "There are always extenuating circumstances-"

"Look, if you want to argue about it, then back it up!" Toph demanded, slapping her open palm down onto the wooden table. "Let's go, right now!"

"What?!" Sokka was aghast, but Toph barreled right on past him.

"Suki, do you want in on this?"

For a moment Suki considered warily, and then a wicked grin grew on her face. "Loser has to clean Appa's ears?"

The three of them exchanged glances, and then as one signaled a waiter.

Four or five rounds later found them on more-or-less equal footing – Toph was the only one who was still standing steadily, but Sokka and Suki weren't slurring their words nearly as badly – and it was then that a terrible miscarriage of justice was discovered.

It was this deeply unfair advantage that found Toph, Sokka, and Suki in the warriors' training house sometime after midnight. All three had their arms crossed; Sokka defensively, Toph stubbornly, and Suki for balance.

"It's only fair Meathead," the Kyoshi warrior said, taking advantage of the fact that Toph had given her permission to use the nickname. "Toph and I are walking around here in skirts, and so should you."

"Absolutely not." Sokka shook his head firmly, then looked for the wine skins they'd snuck out of the feast hall when they'd dragged Sokka off to the training grounds.

"Sokka!" Suki protested uselessly, but Toph held up a hand, silencing Suki.

"I'll take care of this," she whispered out of the side of her mouth, then turned to Sokka.

"Hey Sokka!" Toph shouted in her best imitation of a drill sergeant. Suki found she was standing a bit straighter despite herself, then abruptly regretted it when the tiny bit of movement made the room tilt. Sokka snapped to attention.

"Do you want to prove your superiority to me and Suki?" she demanded, stalking right up to him and somehow managing to both make eye contact and look down her nose at him at the same time.

"I don't need to prove anything-" Sokka started to argue, but Toph just shook her head and repeated her question.

"_I said_, do you want to prove your superiority to me and Suki?" Suki found herself cringing and wondering if Toph would wake up the nearest households with her yelling.

"Yes!" Sokka shouted back. "Yes I do! Once and for all!"

"_Then be a man_," Toph bellowed, "_And get into the dress_!"

The result was instantaneous. Sokka started scrambling with his tunic and reaching for the skirt. Toph turned back to Suki with a satisfied smirk upon her face and reached for the wine skin.

* * *

There were worse things then lugging home a drunk Avatar, but Katara was hard-pressed to think of them as she tried to maneuver Aang up the wooden steps into Suki's home, intent on pushing him into bed fully clothed and collapsing into her own bed – they weren't officially married yet, and Suki's father had insisted that she bunk with the girls. 

When they reached Aang's bedroom door, however, he wrapped his arms around her, kissed her firmly in the middle of the forehead, and slurred, "M'okay now, go t'bed."

"Are you sure?" Katara raised an eyebrow, but Aang merely waved a hand and opened the door, staggering into the frame but clearly heading towards his bed. With a sigh Katara pulled the door shut behind him and decided to get a drink of water before going to bed herself.

Padding down the hallway to the kitchen, she was too busy muttering veiled threats towards Oyajii and his never-ending flow of alcohol to notice immediately when Aang reappeared in the doorway, clearly looking for her.

"K'tara," Aang called, appearing genuinely distressed. "There's a girl in my bed can I sleep with you?"

"What?!" Katara cried, slamming her cup down onto the counter. Honestly, she knew Aang had some enthusiastic fans in Kyoshi, but lying in wait for him in his own bed was crossing the line.

Stalking back to the bedroom, Katara slammed open the door, fully intent on giving Koko or Kiki or Luli or whichever girl it was this time a piece of her mind –

- and instead stopped short when she realized she recognized the girl sleeping in Aang's bed.

"Aang," she called, gesturing him into the room. For a moment Aang hid behind the doorway before Katara beckoned him again. "Just come sleep in Sokka's bed, it's okay. Don't worry about her."

She got Aang settled – his eyes slid shut almost the second his head hit the pillow – and then excused herself, standing against the door for a moment and eyeing the one across the hall where she knew an explanation lay.

Cracking it open, she found exactly what she had suspected: Suki and Toph were laying sideways across Suki's bed, both still awake, but just barely. Suki was in her normal makeup, as Sokka had been, but when they'd applied Toph's makeup someone – Sokka, certainly – had drawn a water symbol in the middle of the blind girl's forehead in black. Toph would kill him if she ever found out, but at the moment she seemed almost cheerful, grinning and waving at Katara as she crossed her arms and shook her head at the pair.

"Want to explain what happened to Sokka?"

Suki looked at Toph, who tilted her head in the direction of the warrior, and then shrugged. "He won."

The explanation sent Toph and Suki back into a wave of giggles – and then groans as the inebriation kicked back in – and Katara merely sighed and started to prepare herself for bed.

"I can tell you're mad," Toph said, speaking way too loudly for the time of night, especially considering when Katara was literally two feet away from her. "But really you should be thankful."

"And why is that?" Katara snapped, just irritated with the drunk people all around her.

Suki giggled again, and Toph barely kept her own mirth from spilling over. "After tonight I'm willing to bet some of the girl's in Aang's fan club have defected."

"I don't want to know," Katara informed the two, rolling over and pulling the covers over her head.

Suki continued anyway. "Sokka makes a very handsome woman."

Katara fell asleep with their giggles ringing in her ears.

**

* * *

A/N**: Because Suki. Is. Not. Dead. 


	12. Discreet Entertainment

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**  
**Chapter the Twelfth: Discreet Entertainment**  
**Summary**: Sokka and Toph find a way to get through boring meetings.  
**A/N:** Because everybody is apparently an alcoholic in the Escapades series, here's another in the series of Sokka and Toph, drunk, bugging Zuko. Life is good.

* * *

"So, logically, the most ideal route would go through the Wuhe district, but of course if we create a new road we would be going through those farmer's lands and would have to compensate them…" the voice droned on with little regard to who was actually paying attention. Sokka felt another hair go gray, and watched out of the corner of his eye as Toph picked up her tea cup and took a long, slow sip. He couldn't help the self-satisfied snicker that rose up inside of him at the sight. 

It had started, as it always did, with only innocent intentions. Sokka and Toph were staying at the palace in the Fire Nation with Aang and Katara. They were there for another round of wrangling with post-war trade routes, and no amount of begging, bribing, and attempted blackmail had been able to keep them out of the meetings. The meetings were long, the room was hot, and Zuko and his advisors were (at least, according to Sokka and Toph, who often entertained some of the more colorful personalities of the world) incredibly boring.

"This is awful," Toph had groaned the previous night after dinner, throwing herself across her bed and yanking several delicate, expensive pins from her dark hair. "Aang hates us."

"Kyoshi!" Sokka had raged, absently counting steps as he paced the floor. "I even threatened him with Kyoshi, and he still didn't cave! You remember what happened in Kyoshi?"

"Barely," Toph had admitted, her voice muffled as her face was buried in the red silk covering her bed. "But I think it turned out worse for you than Aang."

"I can't sit through another day of that." Sokka had declared dramatically, flopping back into a high-backed chair and entirely ignoring the dig from Toph.

"Why do we even have to be there?" Toph had asked, finally rolling over to kick her legs over the side of the bed.

Sokka had heaved a huge sigh and tugged on his wolf's tail. "Aang said we were representing the interests of the other nations."

"So we have to be interested because no one else is?" Toph had immediately shot back, and Sokka had merely sighed again before closing his eyes, intending to drift off into a short nap without bothering to return to his own bedroom.

"We need to do something," Toph had said, and that was where it had all started. It was all in the way she had said it too, that Sokka had known that no good was going to come out of it. It wasn't a suggestion, it wasn't an order, it was just a simple statement. They had to do something. Something had to be done. They would not go through another day of it. Period.

Of course, later each would blame the other for coming up with the whole idea, would accuse the other of blatantly luring them towards the dangerous pastime that was creating an international incident, but at the time of creation the idea was met with equal enthusiasm from both parties.

Iroh always insisted on serving tea throughout these long meetings. For some reason, whenever Sokka and Toph visited the Fire Nation Zuko always stocked up on liquor. The long robes favored in the meetings of advisors made it easy to hide a flask. Or five.

Suddenly Lord Zuko's meetings were far, _far_ more interesting.

He hadn't even gotten through the opening remarks (though Sokka and Toph had managed to restrain themselves during the processional in honor of Agni, out of respect) before Toph was nudging him in his side, her knobby elbow hitting him so hard in the ribs that it hurt to breath for a good five minutes after he'd slipped her one of the flasks through the sleeve of his robes.

He hadn't felt any ill will towards her though. Desperate times and all that.

Iroh had been delighted at their interest in his tea – a special blend, meant to promote harmonious spirits and ease the process of decision making – which usually only he and Aang touched at meetings. Sokka had almost felt guilty. _Almost_. And then he'd taken his first sip, and Zuko's favorite advisor had started discussing the projected harvest for the coming fall, and Sokka had taken another sip of his spiked tea.

The point was to be as discreet as possible – in fact, the point was to be the most discreet. They'd engaged in a variety of drinking games before: games where they'd made bets, games where they had to perform admirable feats or hold more liquor than the other. Hell, they'd even played games to see who could be the most hungover the next morning. They'd never played to see who could be the quietest drunk. It was a talent neither one was particularly imbued with, but Katara's wrath was a considerable threat.

They hadn't, unfortunately, thought of a way to judge who was being the most subtle. Toph was starting to giggle. Sokka was still being quiet, but he was starting to feel jittery and fidgety. The problem with this was that every time he shifted, the little glass flasks in his robe clinked together. And every time he shifted, he clinked a little louder, and Toph's giggle became that much more infectious.

Zuko was determinedly ignoring them. Katara's eyes had narrowed, and she was attempting to both pay attention to the advisor at the head of the room and the disruptive duo across from her. Aang was still looking away, but he was frowning, a sure sign that he wasn't overlooking Sokka and Toph.

Still, the meeting was going relatively smoothly – Sokka and Toph were only a slight distraction, and though they had attracted the attention of those close to them, nothing could stop Zuko's advisors, who relentlessly pursued their agenda no matter who was paying attention to them.

Sokka started to feel smug. This had been one of his better ideas. He was actually enjoying a meeting for once, and so was Toph, judging by the grin on her face. He began to feel downright euphoric, and reached for the teapot to refill his cup.

That was when disaster struck. The world was already getting pretty tilty, and Toph chose that moment to elbow him hard once again. Sokka flailed and just barely managed to keep hold of the teapot – though the delicate little lid began to rattle and slide. Sokka swooped his arms in a desperate attempt to keep the thing from falling:

And ended up dumping the entire pot of tea on Iroh. Who was currently drinking deeply from his own cup. Who promptly choked and, coughing and spitting, reminded everybody in the room exactly why he was called the Dragon of the West when the table – and all of the parchment and documents upon it – began to burn.

For a few terrifying moments chaos reigned as the room full of firebenders and other men who had lived their entire lives around fire scrambled to get away from the flaming table. Iroh was still coughing. Toph, remarkably, hadn't seemed to realize that something had happened and was sitting perfectly serenely at her little cushion until Sokka grabbed her by the arm and hauled her away from the table. She squawked in protest and shoved out one foot, tripping him, and they both hit the thin rug covering the stone floor - hard.

Katara was the one who finally stepped in and got the situation under control. As calm as ever, she rolled her eyes, stood up, and put out the fire with the water skin she'd talked the guard into letting her keep when they'd (symbolically) disarmed everyone coming into the meeting.

For a moment there was silence, and stillness. Then Sokka rolled over, and coughed, before looking at Iroh and asking (slowly, so he didn't slur), "Are you okay?"

Iroh gave one final cough and waved at him, as if to reassure everyone in the room that he was fine, just fine, if covered in tea. Katara cleared her throat, and then everybody started to talk at once.

Katara started to scold Sokka and Toph for being so irresponsible – "_Honestly, it's like you go out of your way to entertain yourselves in the _stupidest_ and most _inconvenient_ manner possible_! – while Aang appeared to be torn between backing up Katara, double checking that Iroh wouldn't need Katara's assistance, and making sure Zuko wasn't going to reduce them all to a very fine ash.

They didn't appear to be in immediate danger: Zuko was standing at the head of the room, watching them all with a vaguely bored, slightly anxious, mostly blank look on his face. He didn't even say anything, just shook his head as Aang turned his attention back to Katara and Iroh, and ignored the advisors as they all started yelling and shifting through the burnt, scorched parchment, trying to figure out what had been spared and what could be salvaged.

In the din of the room a voice suddenly broke out over everybody: "Wait, wait wait," Toph insisted, her hands coming up as if to beg for quiet. Her head tilted towards Sokka. "Are you telling me you set the table on fire?"

"Shut up about that," Sokka hissed. "We're in trouble."

Toph chose instead to bust out into hysterical laughter. "You know that means I _win_, right?" she crowed, slapping her knees and continuing to laugh in heaving, wheezing gasps. Then she stopped, hiccupped, and abruptly retched all over Sokka's shoes.

Several of the advisors and Aang all groaned in disgust, but at the head of the table Zuko merely shook his head and reached into his robes for his own flask.


	13. Interlude: Credit Due

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**  
**Interlude: Credit Due**  
**Summary**: "Barium chloride is unstable at room temperature!"  
**A/N**: For TheOneandOnlyLobster, who prompted me with "fireworks" when I opened up prompts a few weeks ago on my Livejournal. This is just a small piece to tide you over for an (impending!) update.

* * *

Occasionally, Toph wondered if Zuko was really aware of what Sokka had done to the bedroom that had been granted to him in the Fire Nation palace. Just sometimes. She didn't think it was a coincidence that their bedrooms were farther away from the center of the palace than any of the other bedrooms.

Mostly, though, she was glad that Zuko didn't really pay any attention to what Sokka got into whenever they cooped themselves up in his bedroom. She was pretty sure Sokka's slightly maniacal laughter would be enough to send a chill down the Fire Lord's spine.

"Watch the table, Toph!" he almost scolded, reaching out and blocking her path with an arm, as if she wasn't aware of the table standing directly in front of her. "Barium chloride is unstable at room temperature!"

"Well excuuuuse me!" she tossed her head and sat on the floor, tapping a heel on the ground to make a little foot rest pop up underneath her ankles. "I'll just sit here and mind my own business then."

"You know," Sokka remarked reproachfully, "You can pout as much as you want, but whenever I perfect these and display them on Zuko's next birthday, you're going to be the first one in line to take credit for them."

"I don't pout," Toph shot back weakly, fully aware of the truth behind Sokka's statement, "and I don't – "

She was cut off by the sound of glass breaking, following in short order by Sokka exclaiming one of his more dramatic curses and a high pitched whistling noise. Sokka rocked back and threw himself on the ground beside Toph, and the next thing she knew there was a tremendous boom, and the feeling of heat against her face.

He grabbed her by the hand and pulled her from the room, both of them coughing and gagging on the smoke that had instantly engulfed them. Once they were in the clear air of the hallway, both sucking in clean, sweet breaths, Toph gasped out, "What did you _do_?!"

"Uh," Sokka was still heaving. "I think I mixed up barium with copper chloride. It shouldn't have exploded like that."

"Well," Toph laughed weakly and patted him on the back. She could see the people at the edge of her vision, hurrying down the hallway. "The good news is I won't be taking credit for this one."


	14. Familiar Scam

**The Escapades of the Blind Bandit and Meathead**  
**Chapter the Thirteenth: Familiar Scam**  
**Summary**: They could always use something new to tease Zuko with.  
**A/N**: For kpuff, who prompted me with "Sokka and Toph lure Mai into some drunk shenanigans at a Very Important Event" when I opened up prompts a few weeks ago on my Livejournal, and if that's not a prompt for an Escapade I don't know what is.

* * *

"I think," Toph proclaimed during dinner, picking delicately at her plate while Sokka tore his way through second helpings, "that Mai is really mad at Zuko this time."

Sokka snorted and shook his head. "No," he disagreed. "She just always has that look on her face."

"I'm pretty sure," Toph insisted, and when Sokka's response was merely to snort again, nearly choking on his stuffed pheasant-ferret, she sighed and continued. "Well, there's the fact that she's forgotten about her knives and just wants to punch him in the head."

"Did she say that?" Sokka asked suspiciously, sure that it was just another of Toph's exaggerations.

"Not quite that politely," Toph answered, jabbing at her dinner impolitely with a chopstick. "Also, there's the fact that Zuko's heart has been racing since we were seated, and not in the fun way. In the _nervous_ way. Like he's about to find his ear pinned to the table sort of nervous."

Sokka waved a hand dismissively. "Could mean anything. That doesn't sound so serious to me."

"Well," Toph added after a moment's consideration. "There is also the fact that she refused to sit next to him and sat here instead."

"Oh yeah." Sokka looked up and across the table, where Mai's glower was informing him that their conversation was being overheard by everyone present. Suddenly, Sokka understood where Zuko's fear of being pinned to the table by his ear had come from. He personally feared for his tongue. "Not that the Fire Lady isn't always welcome to dine with us?" he added belatedly.

Toph kicked him from under the table. Sokka was still working on that whole diplomacy thing. "So what did the Crown King Princess do this time, Mai? You still haven't answered me that."

Mai's glower shifted. "I don't see how this is relevant to the conversation."

"This _is_ the conversation," Toph replied easily, and after a moment, when Sokka remembered that she couldn't see the look Mai was giving her, decided to diplomatically shove an elbow in her side. Toph squeaked and slid sideways, nearly going off of her chair, and once she finally righted herself, taking the time to sniff indignantly and pat her hair as she composed herself, relented. "All right, fine, don't talk about it. See if I care. See if I offer to help you out again. I was trying to _help_ you, I was."

"You were being nosy," Mai informed her.

Toph frowned down at her plate, but Sokka nodded in agreement. "We were kind of looking for something new to tease him with."

They were all silent for a long moment – Toph pouting, Sokka distracted by the food on his plate, and Mai still casting irritated looks back up at the main table, where Zuko was sitting with the Avatar and the Earth King – and then Toph picked up her head and asked casually, "Where's the waiter? I need a refill over here."

Sokka signaled the waiter, and when he finally made his way over – Sokka couldn't help noticing the grimace, and wondered how much they'd taken already – he simply abandoned several bottles rather than face returning to the table over and over again.

Sokka refilled Toph's glass, waiting patiently for her signal – and then he felt it: her big toe, tapping insistently on his foot. Handing over Toph's glass, he then reached for Mai's, which, while not empty, could stand to be topped off.

"This is fantastic wine," he boasted, taking a deep drink, nearly choking himself.

"The king is always really good to us when we visit," Toph added, taking more herself.

Mai replied by sighing, looking back at the table where Zuko was sitting, then, after her face hardened, taking another long drink herself. Toph smiled into her glass – Sokka was the only one watching, and he knew that smile. They usually got what they wanted when Toph smiled that way. Sokka quickly schooled his own expression.

One of the benefits of getting into as much trouble as they tended to find themselves in – whether consciously or not – was that he and Toph could read each other pretty well. Especially when it came to scamming people. He and Toph seemed to be of a similar mind, and there was one thing they had discovered together: alcohol helped to grease the wheels of conversation.

"Did you know we took Zuko out with us before?" Toph asked curiously.

"I'd heard," Mai responded coolly.

"Did you know that we ended up in jail?" Sokka countered.

_Step one: Keep Zuko fresh in her mind_.

"Did you know that one time he joked that they should rename The Cranky Dragon?" Toph picked up. "He suggested they call it The Cranky Mai."

"And then he laughed." Actually Toph had said that, but admitting that would hurt their ambitions.

_Addendum to Step one: Keep Zuko annoying in her mind_.

Mai put her glass down on the table. Sokka, helpful as always, topped it off.

_Step two: Keep the wine flowing_.

"You did realize that he keeps a whole drawer in his office filled with gifts in case he forgets something important?" Toph asked brightly.

"Like your birthday," Sokka added.

"Which Katara had to remind him about last year," Toph insisted.

_Step three: Repeat steps one and two as necessary_.

Mai rolled her eyes and shook her head. "He thinks I don't notice things like this. I know every single thing that goes on in the palace."

_Step four: Tease Zuko in the morning with newly gleaned information_.

* * *

Step three would prove to be the problem, Sokka realized later. The repeating part. Perhaps, Sokka mused as he squinted his eyes against the light, they should have stuck to refilling only Mai's wine.

He lifted his head – something sticky under his cheek pulled as he sat up – and looked around. He was still sitting at the table, and there was a terrible crick in his neck from sleeping at such an awkward angle.

There was no one else in the room.

Then he shifted his legs, and realized there was a weight over his feet. Peering under the table, he found Toph sound asleep. She was snoring.

All right. There was no one else in the room but them.

He kicked her, and she jerked awake. "Huh? Wuh? Where's – oh. Hey Meathead. Where are we today?"

"We're still it the banquet hall in Ba Sing Se," he informed her. "Do you remember what happened last night?"

Toph bit her lip. "We… tried to get Mai drunk so that she'd tell us what Zuko did."

"Did she tell us?" Sokka asked. "I don't remember anything after singing a birthday chorus to Bosco."

Toph scratched her head, her whole face screwed up in thought, before muttering an oath. "No, I don't remember."

Sokka sighed. "You know what this means right?"

"Yeah," Toph groaned and laid back again. "We'll have to send Katara in to get it out of Mai, and then we'll owe her one."

Sokka repeated Toph's curse.


End file.
